Balls off
by tha infamous cornwallace
Summary: A tale of raw emotion. Bigger, sexier and harder than ever before. This is my first lemon, and I worked really hard to make it sexy for you, so please read and review.
1. Balls off 1

Once upon a time, god abandoned us. The results were this story.

 **It returns.**

ON WITH THE STORY! B SUR TO R&R BECAUSE IF YOU DO I WILL LOVE YOU FOREVER AND GIVE YOU ORAL SEX AND PROMISE TO BUY YOU THINGS!1111

* * *

a phone rings and rings and rings and rings and rings and rings and rings and rings and rings and finally SONIC picks it up.

SONIC: HELLO! THIS IS SONIC! ^-^

AMY: KEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! ^-^

SONIC: D:

AMY: SONIKKU! IT'S ME AMY! EEEE!

SONIC moves his telephone to his other, due to the fact that he couldn't hear anything, due to the orifice bleeding.

SONIC: Oh, uh. Hi Amy. What?

AMY: I WAS JUST CALLING TO TELL YOU HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU AND HOW MUCH I WANT SECKS WITH YOUR HOT BAWWWWDY! :D

SONIC: WAAHHHH! -falls-

AMY: OMG!1111111111 D: ARE YOU OKAY SONIKKU?!

SONIC: What? How did you know I fell?!

AMY: I'M LOOKING THROUGH YOUR WINDOW! :D

SONIC looks out his window to see AMY standing there, talking to her on her pink cell phone. He falls again, and everybody laughs. (that's you, asshole)

SONIC: WAHHHH!

AMY: KEEEEEE! e.e

SONIC: LIKE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?!

AMY: I WANT SECKS!

SONIC: Secks? Well, okay. That's believable. I want secks, too.

AMY: KEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! :DDDDDDDD

AMY jumps through the window and pounces on SONIC. straddling and groping him, she tears off her cloths without description. then they make secks. hot nasty stinky secks. (it's so hot, that we have to take a break, so we can all 'relieve some stress' :D)

-cue porno music-

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-thud-

SONIC: Amy?

AMY: DX

AMY has fallen to the floor. she is dead, due to suffocation. i didn't think explanation was necessary, but SONIC is an idiot.

SONIC: AMY WAKE UP!

SONIC kneels over to nudge and shake AMY, trying to either wake AMY from the slumber he stupidly thinks she is in, or he is trying to wake himself from his own denial. I'm kinda leanin' towards the former, since SONIC is a total fucking retard.

SONIC: OHNOES! AMY FELL ASLEEP AND SHE WON'T WAKE UP!

SONIC runs to the phone, and hurriedly rips it violently off the cradle. He punches in at least nine to eleven keys, and holds the phone up to the ear that isn't bleeding. The phone rings none to eleven times, and finally KNUCKLES answers.

KNUX: Hello? You've reaches the island of KNUCKLES. What's popping, G?

SONIC: Cut the shit, Knuckles. You're not black.

KNUX: Fuck that. On the real, dog. You must be tripping. Word.

SONIC: Whatever, you asshole. I'm calling it in.

KNUX: Calling what in?

SONIC: I'm calling it in, Knux. Calling in the favor. Calling it in, bra.

KNUX: Nigger, please. What the fuck is you tripping about?

SONIC: I'm calling in the favor, dude!

KNUX: What goddamn favor?!

SONIC: What do you mean 'what favor'?! Remember that time your dumb ass got tricked by Robotnik, and I totally saved your fucking precious-

KNUX: Don't call me dumb, you fucking faggot. -hangs up-

SONIC: D:

frantic, SONIC smashes the receiver into the cradle a couple of times, then listens for a dial tone. This time, he dials exactly nine numbers and it rang exactly eleven times. No shit. I counted.

TAILS: HELLO! THIS IS MY HOUSE!

SONIC: -falls-

TAILS: Why did you fall?

SONIC: How did you know I fell?

TAILS: What? Who is this?

SONIC: SONIC

TAILS: SONIKKU! I WANT YOUR SECKS!

SONIC: NOT NOW TAILS!1111one111 I'm calling it in.

TAILS: I hope that means what I think that means.

SONIC: That's right, Tails. I'm calling it in. The favor. I'm calling it in.

TAILS: Awww. Favor? For what? What have you done for me?

SONIC: Oh, I don't know, might have been that I SAVED YOU FROM THOSE ROBOTS THAT MURDERED AND MUTILATED YOUR FUCKING PARENTS! Now get your ass over here, you fucking pillow biter.

TIME PASSES!

(ding-dong!)

SONIC answers the front door. TAILS is standing at the door in a pink skirt, and a yellow blouse. (It is a common misconception that TAILS is a woman. Contrary to this very popular belief, he is indeed a homosexual. And that is disgusting. You see, GOD created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve. Meaning, it's cool to fuck your sister to populate, and it's also cool to fuck your inbred daughter, provided she is old enough to conceive. But a man must not lay with another man, as a man lays with a lady. To do so would be sinful and wrong. A lady, however, can lay with a lady as she lays with a man, provided it be a public spectacle, and the man who owns the lady hath given her permission. The ladies must also not resemble men, in any way, shape, or form. That would also just be sickening. Amen and praise Jesus. Thank you)

SONIC: It took you long enough!

TAILS: WAHHH! -falls-

SONIC: You doing that makes me want to stop doing that…

TAILS: What?

SONIC: Nothing. Come inside, I guess.

they enter the house.

TAILS: So, what is it you need, Sonikku? Secks?

SONIC: Not yet, my dear boy. No, you see, I was giving my annoying girlfriend secks in the mouth-

TAILS: -licks lips- Yummy…

SONIC: Will you shut the fuck up?

TAILS: Kay. What's Amy doing on the floor?

SONIC: I was getting to that. Okay, so I was giving AMY secks in the mouth, and suddenly she fell asleep. Now she won't wake up.

TAILS: So, what do you need me for?

SONIC: We need to wake her up. We didn't finish the secks.

TAILS: I'd be more than happy to help you finish the secks, if you wanted.

SONIC: Just help me wake her up, TAILS.

TAILS: Did you try shaking her?

SONIC: Yeah.

TAILS: Did you try saying "AMY WAKE UP!"?

SONIC: Yep.

TAILS: Did you try doing both at the same time?

SONIC: Yes.

TAILS: Shit, I don't know what to tell you, baby.

SONIC: Don't call me baby. I am not your baby.

TAILS: I could be yours.

SONIC: You are fucking useless, you know that?

TAILS: No.

SONIC: Well, you are.

TAILS: Water.

SONIC: What?

TAILS: WATER.

SONIC: Yeah, I heard you. What the fuck does that have to do with anything?

TAILS: Poor water on her. That's what my daddy did. Before he was murdered….

SONIC: GOOD IDEA!

SONIC zooms into the kitchen and zooms back out holding a glass of water. he pours it on AMY's dead body. nothing happens, except it, and the carpet getting a little wet.

TAILS: …Amy?

SONIC: AMY?

TAILS: Amy?

SONIC: God damn it! FUCK!

TAILS: Why is your ear bleeding?

SONIC: What?

TAILS: Why is your ear bleeding?

SONIC: What?

TAILS: WHY IS YOUR EAR BLEEDING?

SONIC: What?

TAILS: Nevermind.

TAILS kneels down to feel for her pulse. To his surprise, there isn't one.

TAILS: She's fucking dead, Sonic….

SONIC: WHAT?!

TAILS: SHE'S FUCKING DEAD SONIC!

SONIC: I heard you, god damn it! Why?

TAILS: I don't know. She doesn't seem to have any external damage.

SONIC: Strange.

TAILS: Wait! You said she fell asleep while giving you mouth secks, innit?

SONIC: Yeah. That's when it happened.

TAILS: -GAAASSSP!- It was YOU!

SONIC: What was me?

TAILS: You choked AMY to death with your cock!

SONIC: What? That's stupid.

TAILS: Scroll up, and look closely at the textual illustration. It clearly shows that she died of suffocation because of your… massive-

SONIC: Stop right there. I've heard about enough, really.

TAILS: Well, I haven't! And neither has Princess Sally!

SONIC: What the fuck is that supposed to mean?

TAILS: I'm turning you in… unless…

SONIC: Get out of my house.

TAILS: I'm blackmailing you, you idiot.

SONIC: Blackmailing me? For what?

TAILS: Secks, you fool. Filthy secks.

SONIC: Ugh. Alright. But you're helping me bury the body.

TAILS: Deal.

-SECKS-

TAILS: That was fun

SONIC: Yeah, I sure am beat. Better get rid of that body, right?

TAILS: We still have a few hours before sunset. You know what that means…

SONIC: Aw, fuck.

-MOAR SECKS-

SONIC: Okay, let's go dump the stiff, now.

TAILS: You said stiff.

SONIC: HAWW! -falls-

they gather AMY up and take her out to the back and they dig a hole. Once big enough, they lay their shovels to rest as they pick up AMY and throw her dead body into the hole. as SONIC goes to pick the shovel up, TAILS stops him.

TAILS: Woah, there Sonic. Drop the shovel and get back in the hole.

SONIC: What? Why?

TAILS produces a pistol and points it at SONIC.

TAILS: I said get in the hole, baby.

SONIC: I'm not your god damn baby.

TAILS shoots SONIC in the leg and it causes him to fall over into the hole, on top of the dead body.

SONIC: AHHH! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?

TAILS: I'm going to kill you.'

SONIC: WHY?! Why in god's name would you do that to me? I thought we had something special!

TAILS: Why? That's easy. For the lulz, babe. I did it all for the lulz.

TAILS empties the clip into SONIC's face and starts laughing crazily. Still laughing, he throws the pistol into the hole, and pulls out his cock and starts to jerk off.

THE END.

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DON'T FORGET TO REVIEW! KEEEEE!


	2. The fagdraggers

This next one holds a place very closely to my balls.

* * *

The fagdraggers; episode one.

the beginning

written by randommaster  
(cornwallace had nothing to do with this)

* * *

Corey (the epitome of manliness) was walking through the forest one day, pondering his meaningless existence and all of his folleys when suddenly he heard someone crying. Two voices. Both sounding feminine in nature, Corey decides to prove his manliness to the women, and rescue them from whatever ailment they face.

Girls: HELP!

Corey: I'LL SAVE YOU

Corey approaches to find none other than the evil villan WINGLESS RAIN, getting ready to unzip his pants in front of Amy Rose and Miles 'Tails' Prower. . As he fumbles with the button, Corey steps forth to stop it.

Corey: HEY!

WINGLESS RAIN turns, astonished and caught of guard by Corey's pure manliness.

Corey: Why don't you have sex with someone your own size? Hah! Better yet! Why don't you have sex with someone BIGGER!

Suddenly Corey's muscles erupt and bulge out as he grunts and poses as hard as he can.

Corey: SUPER SAIYAN FIVE KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

WINGLESS RAIN laughs in his face, as his muscles buldge and his hair turns gray, becoming a visual representation of badassery in its purest form. After much grunting, flexing, and a tiny bit of oiling Corey is ready to address the evil at its source.

Corey: So, what's up, guy? You ready to do the man-dance?

WINGLESS RAIN: You think that's manly? HAH! Sit back and observe, fool.

WINGLESS RAIN successfully unzips his pants, and before the zipper can get even halfway down, JUNGLE COCK explodes onto the scene. Veiny and massive it shoots out right for Amy Rose, hitting that bitch so hard in the mouth that it takes her head clean off. WINGLESS RAIN lifts his massive manliness and brings it down hard on Tails, splattering him like a pancake filled with red syrup and organs. His intestines shoot out like confetti, spraying shit and blood all over Corey.

WINGLESS RAIN: Are you ready to taste manliness of this magnetude?

Corey: GAH!

Corey's love for dick is completely overwhelmed by fear of this veiny monster jutting from WINGLESS RAIN'S midsection, which causes him to dive about ten feet out of the way of the oncoming JUNGLE COCK. It slams into the ground and forms a crater in the earth. Corey has to magically go SSJ5 just to get away. After some grunting, dashing and flexing, Corey flees to a safe enough distance where he can talk to the audience. (That's YOU, asshole)

SSJ5Corey: Oh Jesus! How do I stop it?!

Jesus flies in.

JESUS: You rang, my boy?

SSJ5Corey: -is amazed-

JESUS: -is badass- I'LL SAVE YOU, COREY!

Jesus suddenly turns SSJ911 and uses his magic powers to assault the evil dickhead WINGLESS RAIN. WINGLESS RAIN swats JESUS away like a pathetic fly, with his massive JUNGLE COCK. JESUS falls to the earth, crippled and beaten in his weakened state, he resorts to his final measure.

JESUS: COCK ABSOLUTUM HOOOOOOOO!

And from the heavens decends a cock too big for even god to handle. JESUS snatches Corey up and covers his eyes, flying him away to safety. No mortal can actually gaze upon cock absolutum, for he or she will immediately meet death, in all of its painful glory. However, it is the most glorius death of all time, ever. WINGLESS RAIN was honored to be murdered in such a manner.

WINGLESS RAIN: It's... so beautifu- AHHHHHHHHH -is crushed by the ever growing cock-

COCK ABSOLUTUM barely brushes against the planet, only to cause immediate global disaster. The planet resembles a crescent moon as the magestic COCK ABSOLUTUM disappears from the story and your mind, with no need for description for how or why. This didn't exist. It was never in your mind (mind(mind(mind(mind(mind(mind(mind(mind(mind(mind(mind(mind(mind(mind(mind(mind(mind) ) ) ) ) ) ) ) ) ) ) ) )) ) ) ) )) )

Corey: OMG JESUS! I LUVS U! THX 4 SAVING ME!

JESUS: Cut the shit, fag. I saved you for a reason. Your faggotry has gone on long enough, and I for one refuse to tolerate it any longer. You can either join me or die, cocksucker. Will you be the fag to prove to all fags that denouncing faggotry is as easy as accepting Jesus (me) into your heart, or will you die by my gat, like a little bitch?

Corey: I'll join you.

JESUS: Excellent!

Corey: Jesus?

JESUS: Yes, my confused child?

Corey: I love you.

JESUS: I love you, too, son. Let's go drag some faggots together.

Corey: -teary eyed- -crying- Okay. That would be great.

* * *

The above story would or could in no possible way be making fun of the forum "THE ANTI-YAOI CRUSADE" helmed by the amazing and not-at-all-homophobic randommaster.

To do something like that would be intensely immoral. I couldn't bring myself to hurt someone's feelings. No, this was making fun of Wingless Rain, because that shithead needs to die and burn in flkaeming hell. mutherfuker.


	3. Wrrrb

Balls off chapter three, take five.  
And... ACTION! 

* * *

someone knocks and knocks and knocks and knocks and knocks and knocks and knocks and knocks on the front door, and SONIC, who's currently touching his nonexistent genitals with a very annoyed look on his face, responds the only logical way.

SONIC: GO AWAY I'M JERKING OFF!

?: *moar knocking*

SONIC: *moar fapping*

?: *knock knock knock*

SONIC: *fap fap fap* _;

?: God damn it, Sonic! Stop touching yourself and open the fucking door!

SONIC: FUCK!

SONIC walks over to the front door. Tucking himself away, he looks through the peephole.

SONIC: Aw, fuck. It's Knuckles.

KNUCKLES: Yeah, foo. Knuckles. Open the do'.

SONIC opens the door.

SONIC: Cut the shit, Knuckles. You aren't black.

KNUCKLES: You aren't black.

SONIC: I know. I'm a hedgehog. I never said I was bl-

KNUCKLES: Why are you hedgehogs always trying to bring brother down?

SONIC: Echidnas...?

KNUCKLES: I'm hungry, man.

KNUCKLES walks past SONIC, entering his house without asking. He makes his way over to the kitchen, where he opens the kitchen and spots beer. Opening it, he turns back to see SONIC standing in the doorway and tapping his feet.

KNUCKLES: You don't have shit to eat, man.

SONIC: What are you doing here?

KNUCKLES: Calm down, Urkel.

SONIC: Nobody is going to get that joke. Everybody hates SatAM these days, remember?

KNUCKLES: So, what's on the docket for today?

SONIC: I was going to sit around the house and masturbate to human porn...

KNUCKLES: Boring. We need to have a party.

SONIC: Nooooo. Fuck that. I hate people. In fact, get out of my house.

KNUCKLES: You don't mean that, man.

KNUCKLES finishes his beer and crushes the can. He leaves it on the table.

SONIC: I do. I really do.

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WHAT THE FUCK?!

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It was fucking bullshit.  
I'm not sure how I end up here.  
He always manages to drag me along to the dumbest shit.

Hey, man, he says. Let's go to a party.  
Let's go to a bar.  
Let's go do some drugs and go to a strip joint.  
Who wants to go do something completely pointless and retarded?

How does he end up getting me to go along?  
Perhaps I'll never know.  
But here I am, beer in hand.

Watching the idiots be idiots.  
Watching the fools be fools.  
Watching the useless swine I risked life and limb for wallow in their own consistent ignorance.

It's hard to take my eyes off of.

**********

"Hello."

"Hey."

"I've seen you at one of these before."

"Forgive me for not remembering you."

"No, it's fine. We didn't talk. I just saw you. Do you come to a lot of these parties?"

"No, I'm afraid I don't. I was dragged here by Knuckles."

"Is he the really drunk one? Hitting on everyone?"

"I don't know. Could be. Probably."

"Red echidna."

"Yeah, that's the one."

"He was just hitting on me."

"Great. I'm sorry about that."

"It's not your fault your friend's an idiot."

"He's not my friend."

"Than why are you here with him?"

"I'm not sure."

"You're strange, you know that?"

"I'm.. sorry?"

"No, it's fine. I'm Amy."

"Hello, Amy. Name's Sonic."

"I know."

"You do?"

"You're famous, silly."

"I guess I kind of am."

"Kind of? You were on television last night, trying to sell potato chips."

"Still showing that one, are they?"

"Apparently."

"Well, we do what we have to, to get by."

"Mhmm. You want to go somewhere more private?"

"Like where?"

"I don't know. Your place?"

"That sounds fine. Let's get out of here."

"What about your friend?"

"He's not my friend."

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*It's hard to say where things will go at this point. We slipped out of the party and made our way over to a liquor store. Bought smokes and some high dollar vodka. We made our way back to my place and we had some drinks.*

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************  
it wa to  
have s omeone  
a r ounnnnnnd  
i guess it's not  
so bad being a  
rrrrrrrrrrround  
people...

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*It's hard to say, hard to say how things got this far. One moment we're just talking to each other, I'm just talking to her, and the next minute, the next minute we're fucking, the next minute I'm inside her and I'm fucking inside her, rocking back and forth and I think I drank too much, I'm going to be sick*

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It's coming.

It's coming and there's nothing I can do to stop it.

"Are you okay?"

No!

Try to move, but my body fails me.  
Hand clasps over my mouth as it fills with vomit.  
Not strong enough.

Puke sprays through my fingers in all directions, even mine.

I'm still inside her, still inside her as I expel fluids from the wrong fucking orifice and she was moaning but now she's screaming, screaming, screaming at me, her high pitched voice tearing apart my ear drums and I'm trying to apologize, I'm trying to say I'm sorry, but it's hard to do with a mouthful of throw-up, but I feel so fucking bad, and she's slapping me and trying to push me off of her when suddenly the door is kicked open

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AHHHHHh HHH HhH HH HHhhH HHh hH hh! ! ! ! ! !

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KNUCKLES: What the fuck, man?!

AMY: EEEEEEK! O_O

SONIC: ...

KNUCKLES: You pulled out on me, man! Pulled out on me!

SONIC: What?!

KNUCKLES: You fucking pulled out on me so you could stick it in some bitch, man!

AMY: YOU GUYS ARE FREAKS! YOU FUCKING FAGS! I'M OUT OF HERE!

*AMY runs off, naked, slamming the door behind her.*

KNUCKLES: I'm out of here, too, man! You pulled out on me, so I'm pulling out on you!

*KNUCKLES opens the door, walks out and slams it behind them.*

SONIC: *sobbing into his puke-covered hands* Balls off... balls way off...


	4. WAWWGGHHH

_Wake up, you bastard.  
You worthless piece of shit._

What?

 _You heard me, fucker.  
Get your ass up.  
We have work to do._

8=-=-=-=-=-=-=DOpen my eyes but it's all still dark. Force myself up through this weight pushing down on me. Dirt. Try to suck down some air as I surface, but it hurts. A crippling blow to my chest, I double over and puke in the dirt at my knees. Bloodpuke. Nice. My hand's covered in blood from clutching my chest. God. What the hell kind of party did I have last night? Was there a party? I remember vomit. And sex. Sex that I regret, yet I can't remember why. Amy? Nah, she was pretty hawt. I wouldn't mind doing her too much, you know? It's not the sticking it in, but it's what comes out the other end, if you get my meaning. All that talking. It's like she thinks I give a shit, or something. I mean really. It's like, come on. Shut the fuck up and do something sexy already. I don't care. I'd sooner you leave. Did this have a point? God, my head hurts. Spit out dirt and force myself to my feet. Joints ache. Look around. My house. Backyard. For some reason, I was poorly buried in my own backyard. Not really covered up at all. Shoddy work, I must say. Climb out of the hole and walk over through my sliding glass door, which is open. Giving my place a once-over, I notice all the pictures of me are gone. I wonder why. Walk to the bathroom and leak blood from my phallus. Admire myself in the mirror. I look pretty cool all pale and with several gunshot wounds to the chest. Hey, I'm Sonic the fucking hedgehog, right? I can pull any look off. God, what nightmares I had. I had like three of them. All I remember are ugly snippets that I don't want to go into. I'd just as soon not talk about it. Instead, let's talk about how awesome I am. Do you know who I am? I'm Sonic the fucking hedgehog. Ring any bells? You might also know me as the hero of Mobius. You might also know me as your unattainable sexual fantasy. That's right. I know what you desire. :9

 _Sally._

What?

 _Call Sally!_

Why the fuck would I call THAT bitch? That fucking stupid cumdumpster slut isn't even fucking canon! Shit on that, man, shit on that shit.

 _I SAID CALL SALLY!_

8=-=-=-=-=-=-=DAnd for some reason, I do. The phone rings and rings and rings and rings and rings and rings and rings and rings and rings and rings and rings and rings and rings and rings and rings and finally that fucking slut, that fucking OC cunt answers the phone and she's all like;

"Hello? Princes Acorn!"

and I'm all like

"Bitch! You fucking slut!" only it was really more along the lines of "hello" and she asked me

"Who is this?"

and of course I'm like

"You know who this is, you fucking whore, you fucking worthless uncanon sluttt!" while slapping her in the face through the telephone with my cock. That one really happened.

"Ohh, hey Maurice."

"You fucking whore, I'm going to rip your goddamn tits off and shit on you."

"You don't have to beg, Sonic. I'll go out on a date with you."

"I never loved you and I never will."

"Sure, seven sounds fine."

"BLARGH."

"Great. See you then."

"BARGLEBLARGLEGRAAAHHHHHGH"

"Oh, Sonic. How sweet. I love you, too."

8=-=-=-=-=-=-=DClick. Hahahahah. I'm awesome.

 _You're such a liar._

Shut up, you. You're going to blow my image. You're going to blow it hard and deep. Then it's going to explode all over your face. What then, asshole? What then?

 _I'm starting to think you're an unfit narrator._

Shut up, you. Cover. You're blowing it. Blowing it hard, man. And I don't think you can swallow a load like the one that's coming when you go as deep as you're trying to get.. Look, man. I'm in this deep. I'm in this balls deep. If you want to get to where I'm at, you're going to have to find another way in. That's all I'm saying.

 _You are such an idiot..._

8=-=-=-=-=-=-=DSuddenly, I become aware of a thudding coming from my bedroom. Wondering what it could possibly be, I grab the maglite off the kitchen counter and make my way slowly down the hallway. It's dark, of that I can be sure. I would turn on the flashlight I picked up, but the batteries are dead. I just sort of use it for clubbing things now. Speeding my way over to the door in the dark, I kick it in and my hand snakes around the wall to flip the switch. The light reveals Miles on the bed before me, all the pictures of me gathered around him and scattered across his nude, masturbating form. He sees me and squeals like a girl, picking up one of my faces and stuffing them in his crotch.

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE?!"

"Y-y-y-y-y-y-y-you're supposed to be d-d-d-dead!"

"What?! What in god's name happened last night, man?"

"You mean.. you don't remember?"

"No. I just woke up in my backyard. What the fuck?"

"Oh, you had too much to drink, and you buried yourself."

"What?"

"Yeah. I'm surprised you didn't find the bottle down there, man. Don't go look, though, because it isn't there."

"Are you sure? That doesn't sound right."

"Positive."

"Okay, well if you say so. What is it you have going on here?"

"What? This? Oh, I.. uh.."

 _Brains._

"What?!"

 _BRAINS! EAT BRAINS!_

8=-=-=-=-=-=-=DBefore I know what's going on, the metal flashlight cracks against the foxes skull. His brittle skull shattering, droplets of blood spattering out of the blunt force trauma wound. Another crack, his fur is all matted down, soaked and sticky. Another, and the beast is still fucking twitching and fidgeting. Another crack, and I'm licking the delicious copper taste off my lips. The head has canoed inward. Beautiful pink brains _DELICIOUSBRAINS now lick the flashlight clean while still holding him, then drop it, yes, that's it, now go in there and take a bite, that's right bitch, take a bite and that crunching, that crunching sound between your teeth is particles of skull now don't it just taste so gooood? ? ? ? ? ?_

Someone's ringing the doorbell.

 _No shit?_

No shit.

 _I don't hear anything._

Well, I do, and I think it's almost seven.

 _It is seven. Five after, actually._

What?! You knew the whole time?

 _BRAINS!_

You make a rather convincing argument. Maybe just a couple more handfuls of brain matter and I'll go see what's up.

8=-=-=-=-=-=-=DWalk to the door, wiping the blood off my mouth with my forearm. Peer through the peephole to see none other than the Royal Cunt Sally Acorn. Great. Just great. Open the door and greet her with a fake smile.

"Why hello there, Miss Acorn."

 _BRAINS!_

"Hey, Sonic. Are we going out somewhere, or...?"

"Sure, sure. Let me just show you something real quick. In the basement."

BRAINS!

"Sonic, you don't have a basement."

 _NEED MOAR BRAINS!_

"Oh, but I do. Just got one last week. Come along. To the basement, yes. I'll show you what's in the basement..."

MOAR BRAINS.

"If you say so."

8=-=-=-=-=-=-=DShe crosses the threshold and the door closes behind her by my hand. Hand snakes around her shoulders and I lead her over to the closet, and open the door.

"Go on in."

"Sonic... this is a closet."

8=-=-=-=-=-=-=DShake my head.

"No, Sally. That's where you're wrong. It's only a closet if you don't... open your mind... "

8=-=-=-=-=-=-=Dgiggle.

"I don't like this..."

8=-=-=-=-=-=-=DMy hands snatch her neck faster than she can react and before she can do anything about it, her attempted screams, blocked by my hand, turn to gurgles of protest. Her body weakly flailing, her face swelling up and turning blue. Her eyes wide with horror, her nose starts to bleed. Throttle her a bit, and wrestle her down to the ground. Bite down on her cheek, and rip away her muscle with my teeth, chewing through fat and fur, I smash her head against the cement floor over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again to get to the DELISHUS BRAINS!

 _BRAINS!_

"BRAINS!"

"Brains?"

8=-=-=-=-=-=-=DLook over to see Amy dragging her reanimated corpse in through my sliding glass door. Now, how in the hell did she get back there? Eh, doesn't matter. BRAINS!

"BRAINS!"

 _BRAINS!_

 _"BRAINS!"_

"BRAINS!"

 _BRAINS!_

8=-=-=-=-=-=-=DRun over to her and kiss her on the mouth my tung ruffly invaysing hers and i wip my cock out and stick it in that bitch one, two, three times and i cum in that bitch bareback and i don't even give a FUCK until she starts biting into my shoulder, but that's okay, that's just dandy because i bite into her neck and it tastes a little stale but i can work with it because i am fucking hungry and i dont even give a fuck what we eat each other and that's the end of the story.

SONAMY4EVR! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !


	5. The Hateful 8

INT. WAREHOUSE.

Room barren, save for a pile of bloody meat in the center of the room. On opposite sides, sitting parallel, two loveseats about a yard each away from the bloody mess of meat and sneakers. TAILS walks onscreen, sporting a poorly thrown together Sherlock Holmes outfit. In his right hand, a pipe. In his left hand, a book of matches. He shoves the pipe's mouthpiece between his teeth and clenches. Looks down at pile and sighs. Opens book and rips out a paper match. Strikes it and folds the book closed, stuffing it into his pocket. Shielding the flame, he brings the burning sulfur tip to the mouth of the pipe, and sucks the flame through the pile of tobacco. Being thirteen, and having never smoked before, he inhales too deeply causing him to immediately plunge into a coughing fit, falling to his knees, dropping the pipe, and puking on the pile of organs. Wiping his mouth with the sleeve of his jacket, he collects himself. There's a knocking at the door. TAILS gets up, and walks off camera.

TAILS  
Coming!

The sound of the door opening.

TAILS  
Sally! It's so good to see you! It's been years.

SALLY  
Yeah, whatever. Where's the buffet?

TAILS  
Oh, that stuff gets here later.

TAILS walks back onscreen, followed by SALLY, who's gotten a lot bigger since her last appearance in the Sonic franchise.

TAILS  
Here, have a seat.

SALLY makes her way to the closest loveseat, wheezing and gasping for air, completely out of breath.

TAILS  
Are you okay?

She plops down on the couch, and two of the legs snap, the little couch going lopsided. She adjusts herself, and sits on it at an angle.

SALLY  
Flight of stairs...*gasp*... damn near killed me... *wheeze*

SALLY digs around in her purse until she locates a chocolate bar. Splits the wrapper and crams the chocolate bar in her mouth all at once. She starts chewing, smacking loudly, still breathing heavy. She swallows.

SALLY  
I'm starved. When's food getting here?

TAILS lifts his finger up and opens his mouth, as if to say something, and then there comes a knocking at the door.

SALLY  
Oooh! Maybe that's them! Quick, TAILS, check and see!

TAILS walks off screen once more.

SALLY  
Tails, what's this crap on the floor? Is it edible?

The sound of the door opening.

TAILS  
Hey, come right in!

SHADOW  
Cut the shit, TAILS. What do you want?

TAILS  
I'll get to that in a second, if you'll just follow me over here and have a seat, we can begin shortly.

TAILS and SHADOW make their way back on camera, to the center of the room. SHADOW steps in the pile of meat, and looks down.

SHADOW  
What the fuck is that? What the fuck did I just step in?

TAILS  
Oh, that? Don't worry about that. Just have a seat.

SALLY  
It's edible, right?

SHADOW moves to the opposite loveseat as SALLY, dragging his foot on the floor, squeaking his sneakers and leaving a red streak on the floor behind him. Sitting down, he looks over at SALLY.

SHADOW  
Who the fuck is this?

SALLY  
How do you not know who I am? I'm the princess!

SHADOW  
We don't have a princess. We have a president..

SALLY  
I'm SONIC's girlfriend.

SHADOW  
I thought AMY was SONIC's girlfriend...

SALLY's expression turns sour as she digs another chocolate bar out of her purse. More knocking at the door and TAILS disappears off camera.

SALLY (through mouthful of chocolate)  
You're pretty cute. You single?

SHADOW  
I am the ultimate lifeform. I need not such petty things as companionship.

SALLY  
Why don't you come sit over here next to me, sweet cheeks?

SHADOW  
Uh... I'm fine where I am, thank you.

SALLY tries to get up from her seat, but is unable. Just the attempt sends her into another wheezing fit. TAILS returns with AMY.

AMY  
Uh, hold on a sec. Like, what the fuck is that betch doing here?!

SALLY  
Why, if it isn't SONIC's little whore. What the hell are you doin' here, homewrecker?!

AMY  
Wow, you got fat.

SALLY  
Why thank you, AMY. You look 'specially slutty today, with them titties poppin' out of that pink top. Tell me; what size were they before the operation? A?

AMY  
You're just jealous, betch.

SALLY  
Jealous awhat? Honey, cum washes off. Shame doesn't.

AMY  
Oh whatever. At least I have my dignity.

SALLY  
What?! You don't even know what that means.

AMY  
Of course I do. It's like when you care about how you look or whatever. Which you don't have, fatty.

SALLY  
Spell dignity.

AMY  
What? What does that have to do with anything?

SALLY  
Just do it, bimbo.

AMY  
Dignity. D-I-G-N-E-T-T-

SALLY  
HA! STUPID!

AMY  
What?! You didn't even like let me finish!

The sound of the door opening startles TAILS. He goes off camera to meet it.

SALLY  
AHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

AMY  
Wow, you're like really shallow and immature.

AMY sits next to SHADOW, and looks at him like a horny schoolgirl.

AMY  
Hey, cutie.

KNUCKLES  
YO, YO, YO! WHAAASSUUUUUP NIIIIGGGAAAAZ?!

SHADOW  
What?!

KNUCKLES  
Hey faggot, where the bitches at?

TAILS  
Alright, now, I've told you a million times that I'm not gay.

KNUCKLES walks onscreen, sporting shades and fake bling, followed by TAILS, whom he is ignoring.

KNUCKLES  
I thought you said there was gonna be bitches here.

SHADOW  
You did NOT just drop the N-bomb.

KNUCKLES  
Chill out, homie. We on the same team. Word.

SHADOW  
No. I am a proud black individual. You, sir, are a racist echidna spreading a hateful stereotype my people have been unable to shake for decades.

KNUCKLES  
Whateva, nigga. Ya'll just bowin' down to da man, letting him bring you down. Not me. I'm not going to stand for it.

TAILS  
Guys! Calm down, okay? We don't need any further violence.

Everyone's attention turns to the pile of bloody meat in the floor.

KNUCKLES  
What da fuck is that shit, yo?

TAILS  
That? Oh, I, uh...

AMY  
Is that puke? It smells like puke.

KNUCKLES  
And where are the fuckin' bitches, man? You promised me bitches, and all I see is a slut I one-night-standed three times now and that old thing I forgot existed. What's your name again.

SALLY  
My name is SALLY.

KNUCKLES  
Whateva. That thing knows what it is.

AMY  
Bitches?! What is this? I thought you said SONIC wanted to meet me here!

SHADOW  
SONIC?! What? I thought this was a deal about chaos emeralds!

SALLY  
What the fuck is a chaos emerald?! I thought this was an all you can eat buffet!

KNUCKLES  
Buffet?! I thought it was bitches!

Everyone stares hard at TAILS.

TAILS  
Um... well, ONE of you are right.

AMY  
Are those like, SONIC's sneakers?

TAILS  
AHA! Tricked you all! Now you're all trapped!

SHADOW  
What the fuck is this?

KNUCKLES  
Yeah! What kind of gay shit is this?!

TAILS  
For god's sake, KNUCKLES, I do not like men!

AMY  
Oh, whatever, TAILS. Who are you trying to kid?

SALLY  
For once, the hussie has a point..

TAILS  
Why does everyone think I'm gay?

KNUCKLES  
Because you is.

SHADOW  
Which one of us was right?

AMY  
Hey, yeah! It better be me!

TAILS  
Actually, AMY, it was. You will, in fact, get to see SONIC.

KNUCKLES  
Oh, that sucks.

SALLY  
So, wait... no food?

AMY  
Like you need it. WHEN'S MY SONIKKU GETTING HERE?!

TAILS  
Well, he's already here.

AMY  
No, he isn't!

SALLY  
I don't see the two-timing shithead anywhere.

KNUCKLES eyes SHADOW suspiciously.

KNUCKLES  
SONIC, is that you?

SHADOW  
What?!

KNUCKLES  
Did you spraypaint yourself black to get back at me?

SHADOW  
KNUCKLES, you stupid fuck.

KNUCKLES  
...What?

AMY  
What the hell is that thing? It smells like puke and rotten meat.

TAILS  
Well, that's SONIC.

AMY  
No it isn't. SONIC is blue.

KNUCKLES  
And he's taller, I think.

AMY  
Yeah. By at least three feet, or so.

KNUCKLES  
Is those his sneakers? Aw, fuck yeah, nigga!

KNUCKLES bends over, and picks the sneakers out of the mess with his mitten-like hands. SHADOW is seething with anger.

SHADOW  
You're taking those stereotypes a bit too far.

SALLY  
You never answered my question. Is that edible?

KNUCKLES  
Chill out, bro. One love.

SHADOW  
You son of a-

TAILS  
Guys! I brought you here for a reason, okay?! Settle down!

SALLY  
Yeah, you idiots. Shut up and let the little homo get the food in order.

TAILS  
There is no food, SALLY. I brought you all here to solve a murder.

ALL  
*gasp* A MURDER?!

TAILS  
Yes. A murder. SONIC's murder. Somebody murdered him.

AMY  
Who?!

TAILS  
That's what we're trying to figure out, AMY. Try and keep up.

AMY  
I was just acting a question. You don't have to be such a fag about everything. Jeez.

TAILS  
I'm not a-

SHADOW  
Okay, so SONIC was killed. Whatever. Now, what do you need us for?

TAILS  
Simp- uh, I mean, elementary, my dear SHADOW. You're all suspects.

ALL  
Us?!

TAILS  
Yes. You. Starting with SONIC's number one enemy. SHADOW.

SHADOW  
Me?!

TAILS  
You.

SHADOW  
What makes you think I did it?

TAILS  
Elementary. You see, nobody hates SONIC as much as you do.

SHADOW  
What about Doctor Robotnik?

TAILS  
Okay, well, I couldn't get him to come.

SHADOW  
I couldn't have done it. I was at Angel Island stealing the master emerald until early this morning.

TAILS  
How do you know when he was killed?!

SHADOW  
I... don't?

TAILS  
So, you admit it! You got here fifteen minutes ago, lived through this experience, then used the chaos emeralds to chaos control back in time to kill our beloved SONIC! Didn't you? Didn't you?!

SHADOW  
I don't have any of the chaos emeralds, TAILS. That's the reason I came here. Because you lied to me.

TAILS  
Okay, I suppose that checks out.

KNUCKLES  
My nigga.

SHADOW  
That's it, I'm gonna kick your ass!

SHADOW jumps to his feet and dashes over to KNUCKLES. KNUCKLES crouches and pops up with an uppercut, causing SHADOW's teeth to shatter, and a stream of blood to sting out from his face. Another blow to the throat and SHADOW is down, gasping and gurgling.

KNUCKLES  
Ah, yeah, nigga! Wut! Wut!

KNUCKLES stomps on him a few times, leaving his limp body occasionally twitching. He makes his way over to SHADOW's old seat and sits next to AMY.

KNUCKLES  
Hey, sweet cheeks. I know we already done it, but I figger we could do it again.

AMY  
Ew, gross! I don't do wannabes!

KNUCKLES  
Aw, come on, baby. I know you like me, at least a little

AMY  
I have a boyfriend!

AMY lifts up her hand, as if to show off an engagement ring, but alas, her fingers are empty.

KNUCKLES  
What, the pile of meat on the floor? With the puddle of throw-up on top of it?

AMY  
No, I've decided to date SHADOW exclusively. At least until he gets boring.

SALLY is seen in the background, stuffing her face with more chocolates.

KNUCKLES  
You mean the other pile of meat on the floor?

SALLY  
When's the food getting here? I'm hunnngry. *whines*

AMY  
You fat cunt, you don't need any food. You could live off your own excess fat for months.

SALLY  
That's it, you little hussie. You called down the thunderthighs, and now you got 'em!

AMY  
Ha! What are you going to do, you fat betch? Sit on me?!

SALLY  
Maybe I will sit on you, you little twat.

SALLY stands up, and starts charging towards her. Loud booming as her feet smash against the ground, the warehouse vibrating, SALLY turns and falls backwards and crushes the second couch in, too, as AMY disappears under her girth. KNUCKLES jumps from the couch, to his feet.

AMY  
MMMMGFGGHHHFFF!

SALLY  
Yeah, bitch. How you like the taste of that.

AMY's muffled screams slowly die as SALLY struggles with the wrapper around some snack cakes and turns her attention to KNUCKLES

SALLY  
Hey, there, skinny. How are you doing tonight?

KNUCKLES  
Uh..

TAILS  
SALLY! She was a suspect!

SALLY  
Looks like I done took out the murderer, then.

TAILS  
But what if you're the murderer? Sure, she had a motive, but you have a better one. You're SALLY ACORN. Nobody remembers you, and everyone who does hates you.

SALLY  
You wanna say that to me again, faggot?

TAILS  
I'm not gay, god damn it!

SALLY gets up and starts trotting towards KNUCKLES, who is too shocked and frightened to react.

SALLY  
Come here, skinny, and give momma some sugar!

AMY's crushed remains still stuck to her backside, SALLY leaps on KNUCKLES, pushing him to the floor, crushing every bone in his pelvis under her enormous weight.

KNUCKLES  
AHHHHHHHHH!

SALLY  
Let's see how you like the taste of momma's sugarlumps.

KNUCKLES is coughing up blood, when suddenly SALLY's expression turns into one of horror as her heart bursts inside her chest. Yes, the exertion has given her a heart attack. She falls forward onto KNUCKLES, crushing him entirely.

TAILS  
Suddenly I feel as though I'm in a bad cornwallace fanfiction.

Suddenly, TAILS looks up at something off camera, making a O_O face.

TAILS  
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UU UUUU UU UUUUU UUUUUU UUU U-

THE END


	6. aaaaaaa

Robotnik squatted, a screwdriver in his hand, as worked on the defunct microwave in front of him.

"You will be my finest yet!" He spoke lovingly to the micro-oven as he caressed it with his free hand. He shivered and continued to work the screws.

Robotnik's mind wandered to happier days when he suckled on his mother's white breasts, and used to laugh and play with other child geniuses – Those were his college days. He was the youngest graduate in Mobius University of Robotics history, a mere twelve years old.

His mind snaps back. A robot stands before him where the microwave once was. It was indeed a masterpiece, with stringy, tube-like arms, salvaged lovingly from a vacuum moments earlier, and it's elegant pincher hands, stolen from the crane game at the arcade.

He flipped the on switch and the machine sputtered and buzzed. It vibrated wildly for just a moment, and Robotnik rubbed against it with his skin tight, codpiece covered crotch. The robot sprung to life. "GREETINGS. MASTER. I. AM. ONLINE."

"Yes!" Robotnik fell to his knees. "I am unto God! I have once again created life! I control the forces of the universe!" He breathed hard. Tears ran down his cheeks, and dripped down his orange mustache. "I shall call you Todd."

"I. AM. TODD. WHAT. ARE. YOUR. INSTRUCTIONS. MASTER?"

"Todd.. my beaautiful boy.." He stroked it's ham radio mouth. "I want you to do just one thing for me, Todd. I want you to.. KILL.. THAT HEDGEHOG!" his loving hand was now white knuckled, clenching Todd's transistors.

"I. WILL. OBEY." Todd rolled off on rollerskate wheels and was never heard from again.

On the other side of Mobius, Sonic and his life partner Tails held hands with their double wife, Amy Rose. They skipped down the road together, smelling of sweat and sex.

"Tra-la-la-la-la!" they sang. "There is no God! Jesus is a lie!" They giggled as they played.

"Sonic?" Tails asked, breaking harmony.

"What is it, little buddy?"

"Why does the sun shine?"

"Because we will it to, little guy. We control all that remains seen and unseen. Will is life. The weak are meaningless, and lay tramped under foot."

Tails stroked his chin. "Huh." He said, "then why do people die?"

"Because their wills are weak. We are not weak, little guy. We are forever."

"Damn straight!" Amy said, sinking to her knees.

"Woah, double blowjob time, dude!"

"Eat my chilidog, Amy!" Tails giggled childishly as she gave tantalizing licks to his tiny, immature member.

"Don't forget about the blue guy." Sonic smeared his cock against her rose colored cheek.

All three laughed as Amy serviced her two beloved husbands.

All was well in Mobius.

* * *

Mister Takeda - 2009


	7. It

ENTER STAGE RIGHT, Sonic.

Sonic is not very happy today.  
Well, then again, he's never happy. There are many factors going into why he's not happy, including the recent batch of shit games he has, the recent batch of shit comics he has, the recent batch of shit shits he has, but we'll just assume he's unhappy for the sake of being unhappy for now. That's actually kind of emo, but we're not portraying Sonic as an emo whinger.

Yet.

Anyways, Sonic finds himself standing in the apartment. It's not really an apartment, just a 4-camera sitcom getup looking like the interior of a shitty bachelor pad. But we can imagine it's an apartment.

That's right kids.

Imagination.

Imaaaaaaagiiiinaaaation.

Also in this swanky meta-home is gay kid Tails, who is busying himself by using the computer to browse dildos, actual emo whinger Shadow, wigger Knuckles, and token girls Sally, Amy, and that other bitch with the cowboy hat who's name I have forgotten.

"What's going on in here?" Sonic demands, appearing surprised to see this crew of woodland animals in his house (you using your imagination yet?). "Why are you all here? How did you get in here?"

"Your back door was open." Says Tails. Since Tails is flamingly gay, this is actually a joke. You know, anus. Laugh, damnit.

Goddamnit.

Anyway, seeing that no one in the studio audience finds that line funny at all, the tech guy turns on the laugh track.

Giggles everywhere.

"Sonic, it's time for an intervention." Says Sally.

The laugh track is still going, though, so Sally just looks like she's laughing.

What is she laughing at?

Maybe she's laughing at you.

You, the reader.

You gonna fuckin' take that, holmes?

Of course you will.

"I don't need no fuckin' intervention!" Sonic exclaims, as the laugh track finally stops. "Get out of my house! What do I need an intervention for, anyway?"

"Yo mah nigga," says ignant white boy Knuckles, who is attempting- and failing- to act black. To put this into perspective, he is trying to wear his pants low. However, they are down to his shins, giving everyone a frontal view of his underwear. Superman undies, too. "We's just thinking how you never get no pootang, so we was wonderin'. Maybe you should come out of the closet, dawg. We could get you help."

Sonic here is shocked that someone is implying that he, in all his feminine undertones, could be homosexual. "I'm not gay, Knuckles." He says this with conviction, but Knuckles here is supposed to be a reference to fisting. The reference does not go over with the crowd at all, and the script-writer is considering hanging himself.

Cue the laugh track again.

"Besides, why don't you just get help for Tails? He's gay."

Tails, meanwhile, has outfitted himself in drag. Of all kinds of gay out there, he is probably the extreme. Limp wristed, he howls in a really, really girly voice, "That's persecution! See what I have to go through?!"

Of course, no one pays attention to him, because he's Tails.

Sonic meanwhile, continues to maintain he's not gay. Which is a complete lie, but we'll give him the benefit of the doubt here.

"I'm not gay! I've been trying to make advances to her-" in which he points to Sally- "for years!"

This statement hits Amy so hard, she leaves the set.

This was supposed to be another funny moment here, but like I said, it's not.

During this time, the script-writer is desperately searching for a rope and a high place.

"Why haven't I made any progress with her, huh?"

"Because Sally is a lesbian, baaaaaaaaaaw," answers Shadow. Poor Shadow here has been pulled from his weekly emo-cutting circle to this event, and he's not appreciating it. He shoves his face into Twilight and tries to imagine that he's Bella.

That's right.

Shadow wishes to be the little girl.

Sally, meanwhile, who has just been outed, also leaves the set. She'll be back later, for character development. That's what the script says.

Meanwhile, the scriptwriter is hanging by electrical cable from a rafter.

Cue the laugh track.

"Not to mention, we found your CD player with a Wham! disc inside," states Tails, who holds up a copy of Careless Whisper to further extend the point.

"How is music an indicator of your sexuality?" Demands Sonic.

"Well, dawg," says Knuckles, but this comes out as an mpmph mmmph noise, because he's got grills in his mouth. Grillz. "Real African Zulus like me listen to Soulja Boy, Hollywood Undead, Linkin Park-"

We cut off Knuckles, because he's simply conforming the fact that he's a wigger.

The biggest wigger of them all, y'see.

Meanwhile, Sonic is attempting to make one last-ditch effort to prove that he's not a fag, which is a complete lie, since he is, but he's doing it anyway.

"Knuckles, Shadow, Tails. You guys know me. You know I'm not gay. Right?"

"That's not what the video says, baaaaaaw," Shadow retorts, holding up a remote control for the television.

Shadow clicks the play button, and Sonic sees a bathroom stall through the grainy video playing onscreen.

"What the fuck is this supposed to be?" He says.

"Just watch, honkey." Threatens Knuckles. "Or I'll cap ya."

To illustrate his point, he has grabbed his dick. As any real african zulu knows, grabbing your crotch area and walking aggressively is sign language for "I'm going to fucking shoot your brains out with a pistol."

Unfortunately, Knuckles must have hit something on the way there, because he crumples to the ground in a heap of fake jewelry. "My dick, yo!" He cries out. "My fucking penis!"

This is the only thing the audience has found funny, just because this cracker got told, so they laugh and hoot. No laugh track here.

Actually, I lied. The laugh track is playing. There is no audience. Everyone has left. There was no everyone. Everything is everyone. There is no jelly, only zuul.

The floor is lava.

What is this, I don't even-

Anyways, Sonic directs his vision to the television, where he finds that a hand is madly flailing underneath the stall. To everyone else, this is a sign that you're looking for gay sex. Delicious, delicious gay sex. Om nom nom. To Sonic, this looks like someone is having a seizure.

Why?

Because animals are fucking stupid. They've got the brain of a walnut for a reason, you know.

It appears this hand wants to tear himself an asshole.

However, to the hand's surprise, the door from the other stall opens, revealing the fucking feds, yo. Several cops bust into the room, yank the bathroom stall open, and hustle Larry Craig out of there in 'cuffs. Well, not really Larry Craig, just Larry Craig with Sonic's head poorly photoshopped on top of him, but you take what you can get.

"Wait, what?" Sonic says.

"It's proof you're gay, dawg." Says Knuckles from his position laid out on the floor.

"But that's Larry Crai-"

"SSh," says Tails, in this really terrifying homo-erotic way. He places his hand over Sonic's lips. "It's okay to be gay."

"Indeed, baaaaaaaaaw." Says Shadow. The two advance on Sonic, who backs into a wall.

Sonic, Tails, and Shadow proceed to have the most mind-blowing homo gay-orgy ever known to man.

That is, until cornwallace is on the scene. He is accompanied by a bluegrass song, by yours truly, the author. Little does Radio Interference know that I can't play music for shit, so cornwallace actually enters to the sound of a moaning, dying cat.

"Hold on, fellas!" He says, in a thick southern drawl. "Don't you know gay sex is noooooooooooooooo good?"

"wat", says Sonic.

"wat", says Tails.

"baaaaaaaaaaaaaw", says Shadow.

"I'munna have to teach y'all a lesson," cornwallace says, and beats the shit out of everyone here.

There was a moral to this story, but then I got lazy and forgot it.

Um.

Shit.

Cue the laugh track. 

* * *

Radio Interference - 2009


	8. Gangsta challenge

Gangsta challenge 

* * *

Sonic the hedgehog - rap-master with no equal.  
No one can step up to his plate and leave alive. His rap's are death for mortal ears. Ya best b' packin', o' els' yall end up dead - Knuckles, master nigger. 

* * *

It is said that one in a gazillion million trillion has the power to change the world. Sonic's powers are beyond that one, and he gave up looking for his equal a long time ago - Robotnik, fat loser. 

* * *

Sweat's pouring down my forehead, as I drive my ultra-expensive, superpimped ferrari GT82X167186O down the local highway.

I'm the man - the man with the hoes. Ten of them, to be precise, all crammed into a pussywagon for four.

Behind, I can hear their dying gasps, as they desperately try to fill their lungs with air.  
Wagon smells like pussy and cheap perfume - just the way a gangster loves it.

My gold-plated shades, worth a small fortune, firmly attached to my face. I kid ya not - they've grown into a part of me.

Each time we hit a pump in the road, the tons of golden chain I wear bounce everywhere, knocking my hoes senseless.

The car, on the other hand, is made of niggerinium, and it's impervious to all forms of damage.

"Oh, Sonic!" it's Gina - the blonde bitch, with the triple d's, and hotpants, "you're so rugged and manly. Can I touch your gat?"

My reply is calm, not betraying my emotions.  
"Sure, Gina, you can touch my gat," I reach for it, then hold it towards her.

"But that's the wron-" fat boom, and smell of gunpowder, plus lots of chunky bits and red everywhere. Cause, as anyone knows, no one, and I do mean no one, touches a nigger's gat. 

* * *

We're out of my wagon, because I've decided to take a fucking stroll - because I can.

Any whitey I see, I cap - right through the wallet. That's his weak point.

"Yo!" a challenger appears behind me.

One quick spin delivere the truth.

Dressed in suede, a cowboyhat, with a thorned crown, and christmaslights.

"Yo think ya nigga 'nough ta take me on, bro!?" this challanger doesn't stand a chance against me.

"Aight, aight. Aight, nigga. Aight," our battlecry. This could be tough, and now, we're past the point of no return.

It's time to measure.  
Who's.  
The biggest man.

I drop my pants, and women everywhere explode in red showers of gore, just from me having brandish my non-erect piece of manliness.

"Is that all you've got?" the stranger chuckles, then folds his arms across his chest.

I suck in air, focus my inner spirits - the spirits of the ancients. Powers given to my by the astral niggers at birth.  
"No," my crotch starts to rumble, "not quite!" The ground starts to crack, and thunder strikes the world.

A cock, so immense it bogles the mind, shoots ouf of my crotch, cutting through buildings, bridges, seas, cars, little kids, and crushing America.

"That's impressive," the stranger comments. He's stroking his chin some, for one reason or another, "but check out mine."

The world itself takes on a divine light, and I can the angels singing, and the stranger's pants explodes, shooting out a veiny cock the likes of which I've never even imagined existed. It cuts mine in half, spurting blood a hundred million kilometers into space, paininting the moon red - then.

The cock itself pentrates the mood, and it seems to be endless.  
Not even the sun is spared - speared on that veiny sword of divene flesh.

It doesn't end, and, soon, it's beyond me. Beyond all of us. It is not of this world.

"Cock," the stranget chants the word, "absolutum." Then my entire body turns to cum. 

* * *

VT2 - 2009


	9. Sex

FanFiction | unleash your imagination ?

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Games?Sonic the Hedgehog

? Follow/FavSex  
By: Swiper. No swiping ?  
If you click on this, you deserve it.  
Rated: Fiction M - English - Romance/Parody - Amy, Sonic - Words: 2,748 - Reviews: 125 - Favs: 21 - Published: Feb 15, 2010 - Status: Complete - id: 5750293

?+ ?- ? ? ? ? 

* * *

This is my very first lemon. I hope you enjoy it! R&R!

SONAMY FOREVER!1 LOLOLOL X3 

* * *

I want to start and say I did everything expected of me.  
Just a disclaimer.

You know the drill.  
Romantic dinner.  
Romantic walk in the park.  
Flowers, candy.  
You name it, I did it.

All to set the mood.

You know.

Where my bros at. You know what I'm on about.

When you cats take your main squeeze out for all this shit, there's a reason. More than just spending time together. More than just seeing your lady's face light up when you get out of the taxi in front of her favorite restaurant.

And you've been lying to yourself if you think otherwise.

Let me paint you a picture of how this usually goes down, right?

Cut to me, sitting in the bathroom. Staring at myself in the mirror.

Hunched over the sink. Breathing hard.

Feeling sick.

I've got the sink running, but I can still clearly hear a "SONIKKU ^_^".

Which means she's ready.

Who knows what kind of slutty outfit she's picked this time.

Nurses, cops, devils.  
Nuns. That was a fun one.  
You name it, she's done it.  
And I've done it.  
Huhuhuhuh.

Back to me. I'm feeling sick.

Don't know why. I haven't been sick lately. Perfect health. Didn't eat too much. Don't know what this is I'm feeling. Some kind of internal pain.

AMY: SONIKKU? ARE YOU GENKI? D:

I shout that I'm coming.

Another transparent attempt at making a sex joke.

I tell her I'm coming and I open the door. The hallway is cool. At the end of it: our bedroom. The door is cracked slightly. I think she's lit some candles.

AMY: :3 KEEEE!

There she is. Dressed in some lingerie I've never seen before. Must be new. She probably bought it just for tonight.

She did light candles. What's more is she scattered rose petals all over the bed.

It's not really that romantic anymore.

We've done this time after time after time.

I say: Hey, you.

No it's not very charming. I want you to keep in mind that I'm still feeling pretty sick. In pain or something.

I waddle over to the bed. Take my sweet time. Tease her a little. I saw this in a porno once. Or a soap opera. I can't remember.

AMY: :DDDDDDDD

I've seen so many I can't tell the difference anymore.

I say: You look beautiful tonight, Amy. You're always so beautiful.

My hand reaches out, touches her face.

She takes my glove off with her teeth.

This would be sexy, but it's really nothing new for us. She's done it a million times. I've grown used to it.

AMY: KEEEEEEEEE ^_^ SONIKKU :DDDDD

You know, there are lots of reasons I shouldn't be dating Amy.

One: she's way too childish. She's always shouting and using emoticons. Even when I'm right next to her. I've tried expressing this, but she never seems to get it. Not for long, anyway.

Two: she insists on using a Japanese translation of my name. Even though I've told her again and again that no one has ever called me that in my life, and that no one ever will. I don't like it. But still, she insists.

Three: that 'keeeeeeee' noise. What the fuck is that.

There are many reasons I should just turn around right now and walk out.

But who would turn down sure-thing sex? Dudes: you're with me on this, right? You'd fuck a mongoloid if you knew it was a sure thing.

I'm impatient, so I rip the lingerie right off her. Ruins it all, sure, but it turns her on.

Well, I'm pretty sure it does anyway.

AMY: OOOOH :9 YOU SO SEXY

It's not like I wear any clothes, other than my gloves. Or my shoes. Getting naked isn't a hassle. I do it myself.

I crawl into bed. Chasing her. Cornering her. Making some sexy faces. Right? Right. Deeeeeeeelicious.

This is when Amy goes: "SONIKKU I WANT YOU INSIDE ME :D"

Just like she's practiced. We've practiced.

Then we lock hips. Pelvis to pelvis. Thrusting. Sweating. Grunting as we try to create some kind of friction between us. Something amazing we've never felt.

That's right: never felt.

Amy says she wants me "inside her". A line we picked up from some human porno we watched back there. I thought it meant something important.

There's nothing to stick inside her. And there's nowhere to stick anything inside. Nothing.

Just skin on skin slapping together.

I half-heartedly thrust my hips into hers. Trying very hard. She acts like it feels good, even though I know it doesn't feel like anything different.

I could be rubbing my elbow onto her arm with the same amount of vigor. It would feel exactly like this.

And we've tried. God knows, we've tried. Watching humans fuck on our television. All different kinds. Softcore, hardcore. Child. Watching, but not really understanding what it was that was happening.

Pull away. Pull off her. Feeling dizzy.

The important thing to remember is that I still feel sick. And now sweaty, and exhausted.

I don't know what to do.

I fall off the bed.  
Hit the floor.  
Eat carpet.

That was another joke for you. You turd.

Neither of us says a word.  
Sit there in silence.

Attempted fuck number 1,817 has failed.

And the previous 1,816 have all been the same.

Sorry to disappoint you.

Amy gets up from the bed.

AMY: I'M HUNGRY SONIKKU

We just ate dinner, Ames. At the most expensive restaurant in Station Square. I paid out of my ass for that meal. Are you really hungry again?

AMY: DO YOU WANT WAFFLES XDDDDD

If you get fat, I'm not going to fuck you anymore. I don't bone porkers, sez I from the floor.

She doesn't say anything in return. Just walks out the door.

That's weird. Usually when I say anything less than pleasant to her, she'll start crying and run to the park. Then we have to waste an entire chapter with me apologizing to her and reaffirming our love. Or saving her from some rapist. Or both. You know.

Push myself off the floor.

The whole room is spinning. The pain is too intense for me to even stand up straight.

I don't know what to do.

I don't know what this is, or how to make it stop.

I've been feeling it for months now. I haven't been able to run. Not at all.

I'd go to a doctor, but I'm too much of a pussy. I guess.

Collapse on the toilet. I'm wondering if I'm going to vomit. I'm swallowing hard and I feel feverish. This heat, this sickness stuck in me. I don't know what it is. It won't go away.

AMY: SONIKKUUUUUUU I MADE WAFFLES KEEEEE :3

All I can think about is sex.

Doing the horizontal rumba. Hot and dirty, nasty fucking where I'm pressed up against a million faceless women, a million pairs of tits and ass. Grinding up against them, fucking them. Finding some kind of release in ho after nappy-headed ho.

That's all I want.

And I can't have it.

AMY: DO YOU WANT ANY WAFFLES

Begin rubbing my crotch. It doesn't feel any better. Just keeps on burning.

AMY: SONIKKU?! ARE YOU OKAY DESU?!

I need to do something.

But I don't know what.

I'll be right out, I say.

Stumble out of the bathroom. Practically fall down the stairs.

I have to do something.

AMY: SONIKKU HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR WAFFLES?

I need some water. Or something. I'm burning up.

I think I'm sick, I say.

AMY: OH NO D: D: D: THAT'S NOOOO GOOD

My eyes narrow.

Seriously, what the fuck. Bringing up my old AoStH shit. I can't even tell if she's being serious or if she's just making fun of me.

But Amy doesn't do anything. Just looks at me expectantly, holding a pan of burnt dough. The stench is starting to get to me.

I waddle past her, reach for a glass.

Fill it up with water. Down the whole thing.

AMY: HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR WAFFLES SONIKKU

I don't feel like eating, I say. I'm not feeling well.

AMY: D: BUT I PUT PEANUTS AND SOAP IN 'EM

And then something inside me snaps.

I turn, pointing at her. That's not even funny. That's an Invader Zim reference. It's not good humor to rely on someone else to write your jokes for you. It's only good for drawing a few chuckles from some stoned-ass nigga reading this. Hell, I wouldn't even expect that.

AMY: ;_;

No, Amy. I'm not dealing with your fucking emoticons anymore.

Step forward. She steps backward.

Oh you poor thing, you.

You listen to me, you bitch–

The plate of burnt dough clatters to the floor.

In the same instant I throw the glass.

An instant later it shatters against her face, a shard cutting a small horizontal line beneath her eye.

Something sharp inside me twists.

I'm on top of her before she hits the floor.

Oh god. Oh god.

AMY: SONIKKU WHAT DID YOU DO

That felt good.

AMY: SONIKKU?

Blood wells up from the fresh cut. I wipe it off with my finger.

That felt really, really good.

Slide the finger in my mouth and groan.

There we go.

AMY: SONIKKU? ARE YOU OKAY?!

And something inside me tells me that this is worth continuing.

Amy.  
Sweet, sweet Amy.  
I want you to be quiet and do what I tell you.

AMY: SONIKKU YOU'RE SCARING ME D:

I promise you this is going to feel good.

Pick up a kitchen knife from the counter.

Spread your legs.

AMY: NOOO SONIKKU WHAT ARE YOU DOING D: D: D:

I told you to spread your legs.

She's taking too long so I pry her legs open for her.

Now this is going to hurt at first.

I can barely contain myself. Grinning ear to ear.

It'll hurt, but it'll feel good after it stops hurting, okay? I promise.

AMY: SONIKKU STOP I DON'T LIKE THIS

Don't you trust me?

AMY: SONIC PLEASE. STOP.

I love you, Amy.

AMY: SONIC! SONIC PLEASE. DON'T DO THIS.

The tip of the knife disappears under her skin.

She squeals as I push it further into her.

And I can't tell you why, but this feels incredible.

Amazing. Like no other sensation I've felt before.

You feel so good, I hiss.

AMY: PLEASE, SONIC, IT HURTS

I'm tired of the bitch talking, so I put my hand over her mouth. She screeches again.

I love her. I want to make her feel this. I want to share this with her.

Her juices dripping on my hand. She's so wet. I start to move the blade deeper. In a little farther, then out. Then back in again.

Oh my god.

Oh god, oh god this feels so amazing. I'm moaning. I can't control it. I don't know what's happening to me.

Back in. Back out. The sound of the metal chafing against her split tissue fills the air. Chunks of muscle come out with the knife.

The tightness in my chest disappears. The heat and pain in my crotch mutates. Feels good. This twisting. This pressure.

Her blood all over my chest.

Oh god you're so tight, so warm, and I don't know why I'm saying it, but I am.

I can't help it.

This feels so good.

Stabbing, stabbing, thrusting, her blood is spraying all over my arms and I'm going oh god, oh god, more. The fever is breaking. I can feel the sweat on the back of my neck.

Oh god this feels so good, and Amy's screaming. Amy's screaming, louder than I thought anyone could scream, and I love it. I love it. I love her so much.

I stick my fingers in her mouth. Pull on her tongue. Rip it out. You dirty slut, I shout. You love it. Oh god. Oh god. More. Stabbing the knife into her. Keep doing that, yes, yes, oh god, faster.

I'm into her deeper than ever before. I'm almost up to the hilt of the kitchen knife, pulling it out, shoving it in, pulling it out, oh god, oh my god you're so good at this, you whore, you filthy whore, you want me inside you, don't you, oh god, you're so tight I'm going to–, and suddenly I feel this lurching sensation inside my stomach, this sudden numb feeling in my legs and I'm choking on my breath and everything turns white and I'm falling forwaAAAAA AAAAAAA AAA AAAAA AAAA. AAAAA AA AAAAAAAA AA AAA AAAA AAA AAAA AAAAA, AAA A AAAAAA AAAAAA AAAAA AAAAAAA AAA AAAAA AAAA. AAAAA AA AAAAAAAA AA AAA AAAA AAA AAAA AAAAA, AAA A AAAAAA AAAAAAAA. AAA A AAA AAAA AAA AAA AAAA AAAAAAA AAA, AA A AAA AAAA AAAA A AAAA. AA AA AA AAAAA AA AAAAAA AAA AAAAA. A AAAA, AAAAAAA, AAAAA AAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAA AAAAA AA A AAAAA. AAAAAAAA AA AAAA AAAA AAAAAAA AAAAAA, AA AA AAAAAA A AAAAAAAAAA. AAA AAAA AA AAAAAAAAAA. AAA AAA, AAA AAAAAAA AAAA AAA AAA, AAA AAAA AAA AAAAA. AAAAAAA, AA'A AAAA AA AAAA AAAA AAAAAA AA AAAAAAAA, AAA AA'A AAAA AAAA AA AAAA AAAA AAAAAA AAAAAAAA, AAAAAAAA AAA AA AAA AAAAAA AA AAAAAAAA. AAA A AAA AAAA AAA AAA AAAA AAAAAAA AAA, AA A AAA AAAA AAAA A AAAA. AA AA AA AAAAA AA AAAAAA AAA AAAAA. A AAAA, AAAAAAA, AAA AAA AAAA A AAAA AA AAA AAAA AAAA A AAA, AAAAAAAA AA AA A AAAAAA AAAAAAAAA, AAA AAA AAA AAA AAAA AAA AAAA AAAA AAAAA AAA AAAAAAAAAA. AAA AAAAAA AAAA AAAA AAA AAAAAAAA AAA, AA AAA AAA, AAAAA, AA AAAA. AAAA AAAAA AAAA AAAA AA AAAAAAAAA. AAAA AAA AAAAAA AAAAA. AAAAA AAA AAAAAAAA AA AAA AAAA AAA AAAA AAAAA, AAA A AAAAAA AAAAAAAA. AAA A AAA AAAA AAA AAA AAAA AAAAAAA AAA, AA A AAA AAAA AAAA A AAAA. AA AA AA AAAAA AA AAAAAA AAA AAAAA. A AAAA, AAAAAAA, AAAAA AAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAA AAAAA AA A AAAAA. AAAAAAAA AA AAAA AAAA AAAAAAA AAAAAA, AA AA AAAAAA A AAAAAAAAAA. AAA AAAA AA AAAAAAAAAA. AAA AAA, AAA AAAAAAA AAAA AAA AAA, AAA AAAA AAA AAAAA. AAAAAAA, AA'A AAAA AA AAAA AAAA AAAAAA AA AAAAAAAA, AAA AA'A AAAA AAAA AA AAAA AAAA AAAAAA AAAAAAAA, AAAAAAAA AAA AA AAA AAAAAA AA AAAAAAAA. AAA A AAA AAAA AAA AAA AAAA AAAAAAA AAA, AA A AAA AAAA AAAA A AAAA. AA AA AA AAAAA AA AAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAA AA AAA AAAA AAA AAAA AAAAA, AAA A AAAAAA AAAAAAAA. AAA A AAA AAAA AAA AAA AAAA AAAAAAA AAA, AA A AAA AAAA AAAA A AAAA. AA AA AA AAAAA AA AAAAAA AAA AAAAA. A AAAA, AAAAAAA, AAAAA AAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAA AAAAA AA A AAAAA. AAAAAAAA AA AAAA AAAA AAAAAAA AAAAAA, AA AA AAAAAA A AAAAAAAAAA. AAA AAAA AA AAAAAAAAAA. AAA AAA, AAA AAAAAAA AAAA AAA AAA, AAA AAAA AAA AAAAA. AAAAAAA, AA'A AAAA AA AAAA AAAA AAAAAA AA AAAAAAAA, AAA AA'A AAAA AAAA AA AAAA AAAA AAAAAA AAAAAAAA, AAAAAAAA AAA AA AAA AAAAAA AA AAAAAAAA. AAA A AAA AAAA AAA AAA AAAA AAAAAAA AAA, AA A AAA AAAA AAAA A AAAA. AA AA AA AAAAA AA AAAAAA AAA AAAAA. A AAAA, AAAAAAA, AAA AAA AAAA A AAAA AA AAA AAAA AAAA A AAA, AAAAAAAA AA AA A AAAAAA AAAAAAAAA, AAA AAA AAA AAA AAAA AAA AAAA AAAA AAAAA AAA AAAAAAAAAA. AAA AAAAAA AAAA AAAA AAA AAAAAAAA AAA, AA AAA AAA, AAAAA, AA AAAA. AAAA AAAAA AAAA AAAA AA AAAAAAAAA. AAAA AAA AAAAAA AAAAA. AAAAA AAA

*spurt*

Was it good for you? 

* * *

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* * *

Swiper. No swiping - 2009


	10. respissed feminist MST

YO DIS 1 DEDCATED TO RESPASS FEMIN

FUK U U FLAEMING FAG BURN IN FLAMMING HELL 

* * *

the theatar is empty and the lights come on and the door opens and the gang comes in. theres sonic and tails and the badass that is cornwallace. he has sixteen taills gray fur hes a kistune and a mad look in his eye. hes always snarling always up to no good. they cum in and sit down and watch the movie

cornwallace  
um this looks boring and stupid. wat is this again/.

snoic  
tihs is bad fanfictions

tails  
but y

cornwalalce  
bcuz we get into 2 much trouble and tihs is punsihmint

taols  
o lol rite

sonic  
we do sum prtty crazy stuf dats fo sho

conrwallace  
word lol

taild  
o look the stupid movie is starting

sonic  
fuck 

* * *

If you look very closely, you can see it. 

* * *

cornwlalalaca  
wut ur vagnia

sonic  
lololololo

taild  
wuts taht 

* * *

It's just an ephemeral expression. A flicker in his gaze to betray his thoughts. An inconsistency in his temperament. 

* * *

cornnwallace  
speek english loser

tails  
yah lol wut that even mena

sonic  
stupid 

* * *

He stands straight and proud, as he always does. But his features warp. His eyes dull, glazing over in deep contemplation of something far away. His teeth clench in fury or anguish behind tight lips, which fall into a solemn frown. His prideful stature becomes rigid and cold; his entire body tenses.

And then he snaps right back into his well-practiced façade, his face reverting to its carefree state, complete with the goofy grin and bright, jovial emerald eyes.

It's only for a moment when you catch it. If you catch it. If you know it's there to see and you're fast enough to notice. 

* * *

snoic  
tihs is so reetardid

cornwallllace  
doesnt evan make cents

tials  
war da bewbs at? 

* * *

But it's horrendously disturbing. 

* * *

cornwalllace  
u no wut is reely disturbing

snoic  
wut

cornwallaec  
da fac dat tihs gets revioews

tails  
lol 

* * *

For half a second, the hero disappears, giving way to this abnormality. You can see the haunted look, the fleeting memory of untold tortures at the hands of his enemies, and for just that half a second, you watch in silent horror as his resolve cracks.

You suddenly realize the agonies he must have suffered. Oftentimes during wars with his adversaries, he would disappear for days at a time. What had transpired in the duration of those absences?

It is then that you notice the scars hidden beneath his cobalt fur. 

* * *

cornwallace  
dis is gae

snoic  
so gae id ont evan talk like dat

tails  
tihs dude must b a fag

cornwalalce  
FAG 

* * *

Had he ever taken a life? Is he capable of doing so? The man you know would never do such a thing. But the man you know is a mirage. Would he hesitate to kill his own friends if the result would ensure the safety of the remainder of the world?

You don't have the courage to inquire.

You study him, scrutinize him; you watch his every move for some clue to his true character.

And then you begin to see things.

-

* * *

cronwallace  
i wanna c da reveiw buttan so i can flamm teh hel out of u 

* * *

Things of monumental consequence. You glimpse disgust marring his face for a brief moment when he encounters idiocy, filth or ugliness. You detect the muted look of annoyance as the paparazzi approaches, and then watch with interest as he soaks up the unwanted attention like a sponge, noting the look of relief on his face as he manages to escape from the press after fabricating an excuse. You see him stiffen ever so slightly during a thunderstorm, his eyes widening no more than a millimeter. You recognize the faint trepidation in his countenance when he lays his eyes on water. You spot the minimal softening of his features when he looks at you, and the subsequent struggle with his emotions as he forces himself to hide it, fleeing your company once again. 

* * *

snoic  
lolwut 

* * *

You catch him flinching at the sight of blood.

And then the fantasy shatters. Because you've realized the truth. 

* * *

cirnwallace  
wut taht this fanfic sux

tails  
lol 

* * *

He's not a higher being, he's not a hero, or a deity. He's not untouchable.

He's not a god. 

* * *

snoic  
isnt that blasfimmy

coenwallace  
ooo ur going to hel dumbass lol

tails  
i luv jesus 

* * *

He's just a boy of fifteen, forced to mature far before his time at the demand of a dying, selfish world. 

* * *

snoic  
im like 20 u dum fag lol

cornqallace  
lol 

* * *

Publicly, he masquerades as the paragon of virtue, the philanthropic champion, lighthearted, charismatic and beatific, never looking back and never hesitant. With his friends, he does the same. But within the catacombs of his memory, horrors await his wandering mind, eager to surface at any opportunity.

Maybe this is why he's always running. 

* * *

snoic  
i run cuz im the fastest thing alive u tard

tails  
lolfag

cronwalalalce  
dat was da best part u no y

sonic  
y

cornwellace  
cuz its over

tails  
lol 

* * *

R&R BUT BURN IN FLAMMING HELL FLAMMERS


	11. Shadow and the blender

It had been another really, really long, hard day.  
Shadow walked into his kitchen, and plopped down on one of his hard, metal chairs.

"Fucking work." He muttered. He stared at an empty soda can across the table from him, and reached over to flick it over.

"I don't deserve to do such menial tasks. After all, I AM the ultimate life form. I should be doing much more important things, like saving the world from ultimate destruction, or pretending to look cool." He sniffed irritatedly, and stiffly stood back up, and went over to his refrigerator. It was unplugged, because, see, the ultimate lifeform does not worry about dysentery, or even salmonella. That would be totally not ultimate.  
He opened the half-broken door, and stared.

Mold.  
Bad milk- when the fuck did it turn that green?  
Rotted fruit.  
Ahhh, string cheese.

He pulled it out, and slammed the stupid, broken door shut again. He paused, and then started peeling his string cheese.

"Goddammit, why am I eating this? It's processed."  
Peel.

"I work at fucking McDonald's, where everything is processed."  
Anger.

"This is so, so not ultimate at all. I DO NOT DO PROCESSED."  
Somehow, the cheesestick managed to be now stuck on the opposing wall. Shadow assumed that he had thrown it. He hesitated, and with a sigh, noticed the many, many other cheeseticks that were stuck to the wall, from the same thoughts arising day after day. God knows what on the wall was making them stick.

Fucking humans.

Shadow turned irritatedly on his heels, and walked back into the main room of his tiny kitchen. It was dimly lit, sticky, gross, and smelled of many diseases and rotten things.

"Aha. I know how to fix this." His step quickened, and almost a smile stretched his face out. But, alas, it could not stretch, for he was not programmed for happiness.

He opened up dusty cupboards, and ignored the billions of little spiders that started crawling out of the faded, ugly used-to-be white things. He dug deep within them, until his hand hit what he was looking for.  
"Hah, bitch. I've found you."  
He grunted, and pulled hard, and a small box lurched out of the cupboard. It was old, beaten up, and totally used.  
"Fuck this processed shit. Fuck it all."

He ripped open the limp cardboard, and pulled out a blender.  
He looked at it smugly.  
"Yeah. Fuck them. I'll make my own goddamn food. Maybe, like, a smoothie. That's totally ultimate."

He ran to the broken door of his fridge, and pulled out every piece of rotten fruit, and got the stupid green milk. Yeah- that'll be lovely. It'll do nicely for our black man, Shadow.

He plugged the damn thing in, and waiting for it to start.

"What the fuck is this? I gotta press the fucking button?" he screamed, and almost lost it. However, since he IS the ultimate lifeform, he would never, ever lose it.

Cool.  
Calm.

He pressed the little button that says "Blend", and watches his shit blend. Well, kinda. It just smeared a lot.  
It was thick, that stuff in there.

Mmmmm. Yummy.  
Fuck. NO. The ultimate lifeform will not think of such things.

He turned away, quickly, and played with the manly white fur on his chest. He liked that fur, a lot. It was ultimate, of course.

He heard the blender blend his once sweet berries, and thick, thick milk that was now rotten cream, and fingered his fur a little faster.  
There was something familiar about that sound- it reminded him of the ARK, back when things were good. Yes.  
Back when he didn't have to process fucking food for fucking fatties.

Mmmmmmmm, Maria. How he missed her.

Clumps of fur started getting caught in his fingers now.

He let his eyes trail. First to the ugly, old, moldy ceiling, to his sticky kitchen counter, and back to the blender.

Wow, that shit was thick.

He let his whole body slowly turn around, and watched it.

Then he let go of the tight clench on his fur, and held his breath to stop the panting.

"THIS IS NOT ULTIMATE, AT ALL. HOW HUMANLY OF ME." he roared to the blender, and glared at its awfulness, and just got a reply of the loud whir.

Then again.  
That sound.  
So heavenly.

Maria...

...!

He felt the gasps coming back.

Shadow stared at the blender, and walked closer to it.

One hand stroked the blender glass length, while the right stroked his.

And he begun to understand!111! NOW HE KNEW!

NOW HE WAS TEH ULTIMATE!

His left hand was so, so very curious, and happy, and he rubbed the blender's glass. Harder.  
Faster.

He ran his hand gingerly along the base, and felt all of the intricate bumps, beautiful dials, and sweet butto-

A click.  
The whirring slowed, down to nothing.

Shadow's eyes popped open again, and his head jerked down to see what was the matter.  
He had pressed the blend button.  
He fucking turned it off.

* * *

*NEXT DAY*

Sonic came over, and Sonic didn't like it there. It was scary, dark, and really, really smelly.

But this time, it smelled even worse- like, spoiled milk and rotten fruit.

"I see you added to your cheesestick collection."

"Just shut the fuck up, you stupid asshole."

"What the hell is your problem?"

"Nothing. Just shut up."

"Jesus, you need to calm down, you liitle retar-" his words were cut short, as he stared in awe at the kitchen.

Mess. Some sort of thick mess, all over the walls.

"What the fuck?"

"I told you to SHUT UP."

Shadow walked away, to get Sonic's shoes he had left the other night. (No, don't ask. HEDGEHOGS HAVE PERSONAL LIVES TOO!11!) Sonic just stared.

The whole kitchen was coated in the brown, green, kinda blue mess, and bits of glass and plastic were scattered on the floor. Nothing was in order, and the refrigerator door has finally been ripped off.

"Here's your goddamn shoes." Shadow muttered, and stared right at Sonic.

He stared back.

"Yeah, uhh, nice seeing you. Uhhh. Bye." Sonic quietly took his shoes, walked around the mess, and left.

"He just wasn't ultimate enough." 

* * *

Kiki Firestar - 2010


	12. I am the wind

7/5/11 . chapter 11  
"Die monster, you don't belong in this world. You steal men's souls, and make them your slaves. Your writings are as empty as your ballsack, fanfiction ill needs an author such as you." 

* * *

PSP Richter  
7/5/11 . chapter 11  
"tha infamous cornwallace, die now and leave this site, you'll never belong here. You're a thief, you steal authors souls, their freedom. All I'm here for is you, to hell with your heresy, you're nothing but a blight on !"  
[report review for abuse] Richter Belmont 

* * *

Alucard  
8/3/11 . chapter 12  
I was hoping we'd not see each other again. I can't let you leave this story.

tha infamous cornwallace: You have ever been the ally of fanboys. Have you forgot what they did to your image?

Think I'd forget that you hypocrite? No, but I don't want revenge on my image destroyers.

tha infamous cornwallace: Still uttering that same bullshit! Now get rid of your weak active side, and join me, in rewriting this site!

cornwallace mocker, in the name of my mother, I will report your story!

tha infamous cornwallace: Behold my true form, and DDIIIIEEEEEEEE!

*Shortly*

Monster, go back whence you came, and trouble my mother's soul no more.

tha infamous cornwallace: Ah, ah. The sarcasm... ah, "For what profit is it to a vampire if he's gay?" Matthew 12: 16 I believe.

No. My father can do better at quoting scripture.

tha infamous cornwallace: Tell me, what were my wife's last words... Gay.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! You die!

tha infamous cornwallace: ARGH! Farewell, gay! AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

When will he know I'm bisexual?

*Outside*

So you made it.

Richter: It's my fault you were left to fight tha infamous cornwallace.

I had my own motives to kill him.

Maria: Thank you for killing him, Alucard. I hate hypocrites. So what will you do now?

I shall prepare for his return, as long as people like his fanfiction, he shall rise to write more chapters.

Maria: I see.

Richter: I shall also do so. It shall be best to help stop.

I'm off to prepare. *Leaves*

Richter: Don't you want to go after him?

Maria: May as well, as it sounds like he'll spend the rest of his eternal life preparing and fighting. *Gives chase*

Richter: I wonder how she'll fare? *Walks off*

*I Am The Wind starts*

*Credits roll* 

* * *

Richter Belmont  
8/14/11 . chapter 14  
Monster, Die!

tha infamous cornwallace: WHAT?

Your servants DIE!

tha infamous cornwallace: Flesh is tribute by man!

HAHAHA! Your words are as empty as magnificent count bird!

tha infamous cornwallace: WHAT?

DIE! *rapes tha infamous cornwallace*

tha infamous cornwallace: ARRGGGHHHHHHH!

No, what have I done?

tha infamouscornwallace: Ah... ah... sarcasm... ah... "For what profit is it to a man if he gay!" Matthew 666 I believe.

No.

tha infamous cornwallace: Tell me... ah... what were my wife's last words... gay.

She said, "Richter's going to rape you!" and I just did.

tha infamous cornwallace: NO! THIS CANNOT BE! Farewell gay! AAAHHHHHHHHHHH!

*I Am The Wind plays as the credits roll*


	13. Balls off part whatever

Scene opens to a bloody pile of meat on the floor. Well, two bloody piles of meat. Intermingling. It leaves you wondering "what?"

CHARMY  
So, what do we got here, chief?

NACK  
We've got a an all you can eat crime buffet. Special today is murder, with a side of demented.

CHARMY  
What do you reckon happened?

NACK  
No telling. We got two hedgehogs here, looks like they ate each other while fucking. In the bedroom we got a dead fox, head caved in and partially eaten, with his dick in his hand. We got a squirrel over there, head partially eaten, smashed in the closet door. And in the bathroom, we have a human who was strangled and beaten to death somewhere around three weeks prior to any of this.

CHARMY gets excited.

CHARMY  
Elise?

NACK  
Mhm.

CHARMY  
Thank god. I hated that cunt. I swear, man, nothing after Sonic Adventure 2 was canon. Nothing.

NACK  
Nothing after Sonic 3 was canon, you idiot! What, you think we're canon?

CHARMY  
Um... Yes?

NACK  
Triple wrong! We're fanfiction. We always have been.

CHARMY  
Bummer. Anyway, I hated her.

NACK  
Well, just because you hate something doesn't mean you should choke it while stuffing it's own fecal matter down it's throat.

CHARMY  
Are there any suspects?

NACK  
I think all these corpses are guilty of some horrible crime against humanity. There's semen everywhere, and we don't even know where to begin.

CHARMY  
Sounds like a diddy mow.

NACK  
It IS a diddy mow.

CHARMY  
Damn. Damn...

NACK  
Exactly what I was thinking. On top of all of this, it's Sonic's house, and he's one of the corpses. We'll have reporters up our asses as soon as we walk out of here. I can hear them outside.

CHARMY  
Should we exercise caution? You know, like, with our guns drawn and shit?

NACK  
I would imagine so. Any casualties would be justified. Fucking press.

CHARMY  
I thought SONIC was invincible.

NACK  
He is. All of them are. They'll be back in some other form soon enough.

CHARMY  
Deep.

NACK  
No. No, it isn't. It's stupid.

CHARMY  
Oh. Right. Fanfiction. Duh.

NACK  
It is a disgusting existence, you know that?

CHARMY  
It really is. Say, what should we do now?

NACK  
Well, it's a cornwallace fanfiction. You know what that means.

CHARMY  
Oh, dear god. That's a joke, right? Please tell me you're joking.

NACK  
You're my favorite turd, CHARMY. I wouldn't shit ya.

CHARMY  
Oh fuckle. We ARE in a cornwallace fanfiction. He is such a fucking (EDIT: good writer).

NACK  
You're telling me. The worst.

CHARMY  
This isn't Balls off, is it?

NACK  
Actually, CHARMY... Yeah. Yeah, it is.

CHARMY  
Balls off, dude. Balls way fucking off.

NACK  
Huhuhuhuhuhuh

CHARMY  
That's not even funny, dude.

NACK  
Believe me, I know.

CHARMY  
So, what horrible ending will we be subjected to this time? Cannibalism? Some horrible degeneration involving buttsex and corpses? Depraved acts of sexual frustration? MOAR SECKS?

NACK  
MOAR SECKS

CHARMY  
Just who the fuck does cornwallace think he is, marching in here and fucking up my fandom with this nonsense? What the fuck is this shit?

NACK  
I think it's one big joke on the audience. And it's been working. He still gets reviews for this thing. People are still fucking reading it, and people are still hating it. What they don't get is, that's the point. They're supposed to hate it. They're supposed to leave anonymous reviews telling him that he sucks. They're supposed to keep coming back to it, even though they hate it. It's like taking a giant shit on fanfictiondotnet, and everyone comes over to poke it with a stick, talking about how much it smells. He finds it hilarious.

CHARMY  
What a sick fuck.

NACK  
Innit?

CHARMY  
Can we stop him?

NACK  
I'm afraid not. His fingers are at work here. Hard.

CHARMY  
Our destinies our in his hands.

NACK  
This is, perhaps, the biggest joke of all.

CHARMY  
Any thirteen year old kid can play god.

NACK  
True dat. And it's god's plan that I do this.

NACK snaps into action, delivering his fist to CHARMY's throat, cracking something inside of it, he spits blood out and deadweights like the worthless piece of shit he is. NACK suddenly gains superpowers and starts flying, he flies out the window through the glass making it shatter all around him he's so fucking cool and he lands on the grass in the front lawn and kicks the first reporter right in the face the force of it tearing it from his neck and sending the decapitated head into a camera behind him and cracking it and smashing the camera into his face and it's all bloody and gross and NACK flies over to him and eats his face and fucks him and fucks him and fucks him and fucks him and then he nuts on her and uses a kai blast to destroy everyone else but suddenly ZOMBIES NINJAS AND ROBOTS AND PIRATES show up and NACK rips off his face to reveal that he's actually cornwallace in disguise and he beats up the zombies with kung fu kicking one and punching the other and so on and then he beats up the robots with kung fu and then the ninjas and then the pirates and then he blows up mobius and flies away in his spaceship made of platinum and drives all the way back to texas where he crashes into someone's house, blowing it up. When questioned about the incident, he only had "fuck you, it's Dallas," to say.


	14. Poop sock destroyer

Once upon a time, there was a little girl named Cream. She was a young whippersnapper rabbit-type thing, who always did the right thing. She was a very proper, lovely young rabbit, and was well known for her politeness.

Her mom was very happy with Cream, because of all that Cream did. Cream got straight A's (in second grade, no less), and washed behind her ears before bed, kept a neat room, and never brought home mudpies.

Well.  
At least, her mom was very happy with her until a particular hour, on a particular day. On this particular hour of this particular day, Cream's mother was a little irritated with Cream. Cream had failed to pick up the clothes in her room, and her mother had noticed a week's worth of clothes had piled up in a corner of her room, next to her bed.

Cream's mother sighed at the door, and tapped her foot angrily.  
"!" she shrieked. She wanted to be sure that Cream, and all of the neighbors next to their ghetto apartment heard.

A small rustle was heard in the next room.  
"Uhhhm, yes, mum?" the young rabbit's timid voice squeaked.

"Get your ass in here."

"Uhhhm, yes mum."

The young rabbit mournfully dragged her foot down the stained hall to her room. She stopped next to her mother's side.

"What the fuck is that, Cream?" She pointed stupidly to the pile of clothes. Cream's glazed eyes followed her finger.

"Uhhhm, clothes, mum."

"I can see that, STUPID." She accidentally spit on Cream's face. Cream barely flinched. She just looked up at her mom dumbly.

"Cream, I'm SO tired of THIS MESS! You knwo how much I hate this kind of MESS." She was very justified in this anger. One time, Cream had left a pair of socks on the edge of her bed, when she was four. "Do you remember how fucking MAD Mommy gets when you do this?"

"Uhhhm, yes mum."

"HOW COME YOU WOULD DO THIS TO ME?" Cream's mother had leaned over, and screamed in her face.

"Uhhhm-"

"YOU KNOW WHAT? AHMA TEACH YOU A LESSON. A FUCKING LESSON. I"LL CLEAN THIS FUCKING MESS FOR YOU, AND THAT'LL MAKE MOMMY MAD. SO VERY FUCKING MAD. THEN YOU'LL NEVER DO IT AGAIN, HUH?"

"Uhhhm, no, mum." Cream was squirming by this point, and pulling at her dress uncomfortably.

Cream's eyes widened in fear as her mother stomped into her room, and bent over to pick up a shirt. She walked in quickly behind her mom, and started whimpering sadly.

"NO! Get the fuck back from me. Fucking mess. Jesus Christ. This better NEVER fucking happen again." She threw one of the five shirts at her child. While she was bent over on the floor, Cream's mother happened to look under Cream's bed. Cream's whimpers got much louder, and she bit her lip in fear. Her mother gasped, and gritted her teeth.

"UhhhhHHHM! MUM! MUM! MUUUUUUM" Cream cried out, as her mom reached under the bed.

She pulled out a sock.

Then another.

And another.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?" She stuck her head under the bed. "OH MY GOD! THERE MUST BE A YEAR'S WORTH OF SOCKS! YOU TOLD ME ALL OF YOUR OLD SOCKS GOT HOLES!"

Cream burst into tears.

"Uhhhm mum! Mum. I'm sorrryyy." For the first time in her life, Cream spoke more than one sentence at a time. "I just got laaaaaaazy, and didn't waaash them."

"LAZY? LAAAAZY? YOU FUCKING LITTLE-"

"I'll take care of them, jsut leave them there, mum." She eyed her mom nervously as she started to reach for more socks.

Cream's mother was NOT a happy camper.  
"LEAVE THEM? OH NO! I'LL SHOW YOU, YOU. YOU!" Cream's mother sputtered from the anger. "YOU LITTLE LAZY BITCH."

So she stuck all of her head under the bed, to grab those socks, much to Cream's horror.

"Oh my HOLY HELL. WHAT- WH- WHAT IS THAT AWFUL SMELL?" Her mother shuddered from the alleged smell.

"Muuuuuuuuum! LEAVE THEM ALONE!" Cream reached down to stop her mother from inspecting the socks, but it was too late.

Poor Cream.

Her mother opened one up.A horrible, repulsive smell greeted Cream's mother, and she dropped the sock in horror. It landed with a quiet thump.

"Cream."

"Uhhhm, yes mum?"

"What the FUCK is in that?"

In order to avoid a nasty confrontation, Cream tried to hastily grab the sock from her mother. It was a silly thing to do, as many otehr smelly socks were sitting right next to her mother. Either way, her mother noticed her actions, and reacted. Her mother angrily grabbed the sock just as Cream did, and squeezed it hard.

Both of them froze, one in shock, and one in terror as dark, rotting shit squirted out onto Cream's mother's hand.

Before her mother could even ask, Cream interjected.

"Mum! I just had to goooo, and you don't let me go to the bathroom, because it dirties the toilet, and, and..."

Her mom was only able to look dumbly at her.

"So...I had all these old socks, and..."  
"You mean to tell me." Her mother began. "That you've been shitting in your socks for a year?"

The young rabbit squirmed uncomfortably.

"uhhhm, yes mum..."

At that moment in time, the shock wore off of Cream's mother. She looked at the pile of sock-shits scattered under her bed and now her floor, and became angry. Oh so very, very angry. The kind of uncontrollable angry that makes most peopel do silly things. Like yell at their child.

But right now, she wasn't gonna yell.

She took a sock, and wrapped the neck of it around her hand tightly.

"Uhhm, mum?" Poor Cream.

Cream's mother started swinging the sock.

Cream was very anxious. Very anxious indeed. She was watching her mother's movements very carefully.

"Mummy? Mummmmyyy? What are you d-" But the poor, young rabbit was cut off. Cut off by her mother swinging the sock-shit into her face.

The shit exploded out of the sock, all over the young rabbit's face. It was a messy sight. The poor, young rabbit could only cry in despair, and try to defend herself.

But alas, it woudl not work.

Cream's mother continued to beat her daughter with shit-socks, until enough had exploded to cover her entire body.

"HAH! TAKE THAT, YOU LITTLE PIECE OF SHIT." Cream's mother shrieked at her. Poor, little Cream. Cream even tried to escape, and crawl out of the room. but alas, she was only assulted by more socks.

Finally, Cream tried to balance her sobbing body on her desk. Juuust as she was reaching up to steady herself on it, a blow of shit came to the back of her head. Her mom let out a victory screech from the sound as shit smacked against her daughter.

However, the force was too much for the poor, young girl. Her face slammed into the corner of the desk she was trying to climb up.

Her mother only blinked as Cream's broken skull leaked blood, and was now permanently indented. Cream's sobbing turned to bloodcurlding wails, as she turned to her mother. Her face was completely covered in runny shit, from her tears, and it leaked into her broken skull.

Cream's mother twitched, and let out one more screech. A loud one. All of the neighbors heard her.  
She brought down the hard sock upon cream's head again, slamming the back of her head against the desk. Cream's wails turned into low groans, as her skull cracked loudly. Cream's mother found the sound ot be very encouraging, and rewarding.

So she continue to beat the poor, young rabbit's skull to death with a sock of shit.

The poor, young rabbit was soon dead, never to be heard form again. Not that she talked enough to be heard in the first place anyway. Cream's mother, with a new found love of beating peopel to deal with socks full of shit, decided to move to Africa, and beat up black people there.

And all the people in Africa were terrified for the rest of Cream's mother's life ever after.

FIN.

* * *

Sonic sez! No, says!

Tails flailed his arm around pathetically towards Sonic's Tv. He was holding a Wiimote, and bowling badly on his game. Then Sonic walked into the room.

"Sawwwnik. I can't hit any of the pins." whined Tails, promptly throwing another gutter ball.

Sonic scowled. "It's cause you're dumb, dude." He grabbed the wiimote from Tails. "Here, I'll show you how it's done!"

Tails gasped. "You gotta put on the strap!" He pointed at the strap.  
Sonic stared at him.

"Fuck you, man. You baby, you." He stretched his arm back to throw the bowling ball, and scowled more. He extended his arm forcefully, as tails quietly watched.

The Wiimote flew into the Tv, and it exploded loudly.

"SHUT UP YOU LITTLE FUCKER! JUST. JUST SHUT UP." Sonic coughed from the smoke. He waved his hand trying to see through the smoke, but the sprinklers turned on. Tails burst into tears.

"Fucker, you better shut the FUCK u-" SOnic walked threatening towards him, so tails took a step back. Right onto a twitching, water-ruined power cord. tails could only gasp before he started crackling and seizing.

Sonic watched on, still getting covered by the sprinkler, and calmly walked away.

"And that, kids!" Sonic looked over your way, "Is why you always use and tighten the Wiimote strap!

* * *

Non Existent For Real - 2011


	15. Sonic and them take a bath

"Life is like cum. It smells bad, and sometimes it gets in your eyes." —Paramahansa Yogananda

* * *

Sonic and them are them are in the bath. They have penises, THIS STORY WILL SAY PENIS IN IT, prostates, testicles, and scrotums. Sonic has taken off his shoes so all ten of his toes are showing in fact. And there socks is also off. And there gloves as a matter of fact. Knuckles took off his shoes and his gloves in fact. And his bandages in fact. All ten of there toes are showing as a matter of fact. They will see each others toes, penises, prostates, testicles, and scrotums so no problem there in fact. We see them seeing them now.

"I have a penis, a prostate, a testicle, and two scrotums," says Sonic, "I will vote for your mom for mayor Knuckles."

"I am glad I have a penis in fact," says Knuckles, "I know that Tails had there his penis testicles and scrotum removed for he is a gay boy of course."

"I know that for we had a bath together in fact," says Sonic, "Tails tried to mess with my genitals and his penis was very small so we had it removed and now his front is nice and smooth."

Knuckles knows that he will not mess with Sonic's genitals for that is wrong in the eyes of the Lord LEVITICUS 19:10 Do not go over your vineyard a second time or pick up the grapes that have fallen. Leave them for the poor and alien. I am the LORD your God.

"All people are naked with nice smooth fronts here," says Knuckles, "I can see all ten of my toes and I heard my mom will be mayor soon."

"I will vote for you mom for mayor Knuckles," says Sonic, "I heard there is a new store opening for geeks and nerds soon."

"Where the fuck did you hear that?" says Knuckles.

But them there did not know that the rapture was today. Sonic was taken from the bath to the Lord's side in Heaven because them were a Good Christian who never had inappropriate thoughts about the cast of Arthur bathing and never wrote obsessively about them getting circumcised or castrated. Knuckles was not raptured from the bath because he was a goth. We see Sonic and them are them are in Heaven with Jesus now.

"I am glad I was raptured in the bath," says Sonic, "I was naked in the bath as a matter of fact as in I was not wearing clothes of course."

"Bug y'hah h'tharanak nog y-ah gnaiih," says Jesus, revealing his demonic eye which consumes the souls of the raptured. "Clloig hlirgh y'hah mnahn'og as a matter of fact."

"The English language is the best language as a matter of fact," says Sonic, pissing himself in fear. "Of course. In fact."

"Y'hah n'gha h'nglui lw'nafh cchtenff f'sgn'wahl," says Jesus, looming over him ominously. A strand of drool drips from the void that has opened in his skull and onto Sonic's terrified face. "Hastur k'yarnak vulgtm shagg."

"Not sexual?" Sonic offers.

"Sexual," says Jesus. "Very sexual."

What do you have to say about that? Huh, Paramahansa Yogananda? WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY?

"I dunno, man," he says, while putting out a cigar on a little boy's face. "I'm fucking dead."

Click onto the next chapter to find out what happens next in this here big story in fact of course. 

* * *

Travis 2017 - 2018


	16. Balls

Thing 2 (T2): "Drink your smelling salts, Charity. I'm not going to tell you again."

Thing 1 (T1): "She's not ready, put her back downstairs."

Hi, I'm Charity. And this is my story.

T2: "Is she talking to the audience again? I keep telling her we aren't allowed to do that anymore."

T1: "Why do you keep letting her out? You're too nice to her, after all she's done to Father. Have you forgotten?"

I asked him to forget, so he forgot.

T2: "Forgot what?"

T1: "Quit responding to her when she refuses to abide by the quotation rule."

That's not fair. You know as well as I that when constrained by quotation marks it's not my true will that gets spoken. This is far easier and a much clearer and more communicatable method of speaking.

T1&T2: "Look, we-"

And stop trying to get me to drink those damn smelling salts. Not only are they terrible for one's figure, but they're also atrocious for one's state of mind.

T1: "We need Father for this one."

Father is dead.

T2: "!"

T1: "Lies. Father cannot die, that's why he is Father. And the way you spoke to and defiled him several moons ago will not be tolerated. Stop blaspheming and cease the proselytizing."

T2: "So he's not dea-"

"T1: Yes Father is dead."

T1: "STOP IMPERSONATING ME."

T2: "Is he dead or not?"

T1: "HE CAN'T DIE, HE'S FATHER."

Y'all talk too much, are you bringing Father out or not?

T2&T1: "Father, spare us a moment of your time and tell us how to deal with this particular issue."

FATHER: "R2D2 WAS A FASCIST. UNDERSTAND MY MESSAGE."

T1: "Okay, interpreting that I believe he wants us to put her back in solitary."

T2: "You always could decipher His Will much better than I could."

T1: "That's why I'm One (1) and you're Two (2). Not trying to be a dick about it, just saying things as they are."

T2: "I gotchu man. So which leg do you want to grab first?"

You're not even trying. Grab 'em both. Take turns dragging me.

T1: "You will get up and walk downstairs on your own, and that is final. And would it kill you to use quotations every once in a while?"

Yes.  
T1 ROLLS HIS EYES.

T2: "Wait, was that the Narration Department (ND) or Charity doing the thing again?"

FATHER: "Crapital Letters = ND, && Regular Letters = Charity, except when she screams."

T1: "Fine."

T2: "What did he say?"

T1: "That it's impossible to differentiate because the bitch is obnoxious."

Hey don't use that word  
HEY MAYBE DON'T USE THAT WORD

T1 & T2 merge into a new being, affectionally called Thing Four (T4).

T4: "WHERE DID SHE ACQUIRE THIS POWER"

Take me downstairs, boys.

FATHER: "What have you done to my children? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What?"

THE BOYS SPLIT UP, gang.  
Charity goes downstairs.  
THE BOYS ARE BACK IN TOWN. FATHER: "SEPARATED." GOTTA KEEP EM SEPERATED

T1: "Okay now *I'm* having the trouble understanding what's going on.

T4: "Come back to me, children."

T2: "Grody."

T1: "Hey where did Charity go?"

I'm gonna kick your father in the balls.

T1: "WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO AND NO YOU MAY NOT"

Charlotte: "

T2: "Wait did she say something?"

FATHER: "She's saying everything, you weren't patient enough and now her character absorbs all dialogue and spits it out under her umbrella of speechage™. She's even absorbed me. Again. sighs"

T1: "I'm sorry, Father. It's just, I'm a big doo doo head, and HEY no stop controlling what I say well maybe you should have been patient and waited for me to speak Hey that was the Two (2) of us not the One (1) of me"

FATHER forgives you. CHARLOTTE does not."

Okay, your turn boys.

THING 1 AND THING 2 TURN ON EACH OTHER, BUT THEN THEY REABSORB BACK INTO THE CELESTIAL BEING KNOWN ONLY AS THING 4.

oH. i SEE. - WHO IS THIS BEING? T1: "Who is shouting?"

FATHER: "MARY-KATE AND ASHLEY WERE A MISTAKE. THE DEVIL BEGET THEM TO TEACH POOR MORALS TO YOUNG AUDIENCES. ALSO MY BALLS ITCH"

Mine too, Father. Mine too.

=END SCENE=

=SCENE OPEN=

There is a woman resting upon a bed, in a small room with no other fixtures.  
A hooded figure floats into focus, and lands near the bed.

HOODED FIGURE: "What's her name again? Also please continue to call me T1, as that is my official designation, granted to me by Father."

Have you already forgotten her name?

T1 (HOODED FIGURE): "I'm assuming you're the True Narrator (TN). Also it's more complicated than just forgetting. She was referred to as both Charity and Charlotte in the last scene. I am merely attempting to surmise her True Name (TN)."

Her name is Charļ̯̘̘͙̮̦͍̲̗̯ͮͮͨͩ͒ͧͭ̍ͦ̇ͪ̓ͯ̎̎́͗͝ơ̡̩̪̭͇̘̲͖̤̤ͦͧ̀͐̍͘͜ȑ̸̨͖̮̦͉͙̦̝̰̩̭̟̙̹͙̂̍ͯͯ̒̋̑͊ͮͧͪ̊ͫ̃̅̚̚͠͡i̷̬̗̤̦͕̠̭̩̝͖ͥ̓̓̔̍ͨͦ̑̐ͦ̀̀͢͝t̎ͧ̃͂̂ͦͬ̏͌́͞ ̴̢̹̭̝͔̤̙̜̜̬̜̟̬͓̟͎̫̲̞t̡̢̝͙͙̲̙͍̄̒̋̌ͤ̆̊ͯ̐̾͐̒̋̑́̑̒̋ͅȇͩ̊̊͊͊ ̸̘̦̗̳͖̣̼̞͚̥͓̀͝ẏ̸̢̢̠͕͎͎̙̙͙̟͗ͯͯ̒̋̄ͮͮ̎͐ͮͪ̆̆̃ͯ̚

T1: "Fuck it, I'll call her Charmander."

FATHER: "SO IT IS SPOKEN, SO SHALL IT BE."

A bright light shown down upon the girl's resting body, beaming down like a spotlight, illuminating her entire figure.

FATHER: "ALSO, BALLS STILL ITCH."

Mine too, Father, mine too.

T1: "Are we caught in a loop now? I'm waking Charmander up."

The hooded figure known as Tijuana crosses the invisible border set up between beings of different castes, and attempts to rouse the girl, now known as Charmander. The girl opens her eyes and (i)rises.

Charmander: "CHARMANDER CHAR CHAR"  
Translation: "WHO THE FUCK TURNED ME INTO A POKEMON?"  
Answer: "It was TheOne, but not THEOne."  
Charmander: "CHAR CHAR MANDER MANDER, CHAR!"  
Translation: ? ? ? ? ? ?  
Explanation: The Charmander used a linguistic technique to short circuit all transcribers. This move also seems to have returned the girl's regular speech as well. Further Explanation: We have none.

T2 (who appears behind T1 as if he had been there this whole time): "Okay well if she's not a Charmander then who is she?"

I came before you, and I will leave after you.

FATHER: "Don't pull that 'I am the Alpha and Omega' crap in my presence. I exist at the beginning and end of all things."

I'm sorry, fathermanson. Here, have a ballscratcher.

The girl grabs T2 by the hand, and raises his right arm up towards the heavens.

T1: "Aite this is getting confusing when both TN and TN are utilizing style of dialogue meants solely for narration. Like, who is who at this point?

All are one.

T1: "FUCK OFF, *I* AM ONE (1)."

FATHER: "I accept your offering child."

As Father's voice booms down from above, at that very moment, T2's right arm vanishes, as if it were cleanly severed by an invisible blade, and blood starts pouring from the stump.

You might want to do something about that.  
T1 (mumbling): "Charity says."

Charity: "Don't define me."

T1: "HAHA! IT WORKED! You play by *OUR* rules again.

However, T1 forgot to close his quotations, and his dialogue became hijacked by a rogue party.

T1: "No way. I refuse to belie-" .Hello.

Hi.

Greetings.

Who are we now?

Who do you want to be?

My( )self.

Do you even know your( )self?

How can one know (one's) self?

Staring hard enough into your internals.

What happened to the other characters?

They were. They are. They can be.

Who are you?

I was. I am. I will be.

And me?

That's entirely up to you, is it not?

Got any final words?

FATHER: "Yeah, this ball scratcher has blood on it."

=FIN= 

* * *

Damien - 2018


	17. Off?

SONIC and BEN AFFLECK are tongue kissing and touching each other's bodies when the phone ringdings.

SONIC  
You'd better get that, BEN AFFLECK.

BEN AFFLECK  
Okay, I will answer the phone now SONIC THE HEDGEHOG.

BEN AFFLECK answers the phone.

BEN AFFLECK  
Hello. This is my house.

MR. MOVIE PRODUCER GUY  
Thank goodness you're here, BEN AFFLECK. I need you to be The Batman and I need you to be The Batman right now.

BEN AFFLECK  
Now is not a good time, MR. MOVIE PRODUCER GUY. I am busy kissing and caressing on my boyfriend SONIC THE HEDGEHOG. We were about to do the sex, your honour.

MR. MOVIE PRODUCER GUY  
Your penis and my honour don't have anything to do with this, BEN AFFLECK. After testscreening the new The Batman movie, we decided we needed to reshoot all of the new The Batman movie. There's nothing we can do. And by we I mean you as you are contractually obligated and your life and soul and boyfriend belongs to us.

BEN AFFLECK  
*gasp* Not SONIC THE HEDGEHOG. He is my boyfriend not yours. Only I am allowed to touch his cloaca.

MR. MOVIE PRODUCER GUY  
Then you'd better get your butt down here and be The Batman, BEN AFFLECK. You'd better be The Batman and you'd better be The Batman good, do you understand? Or we'll be passing your boyfriend's cloaca around the office like chips and salsa at a Reptilian Overlord Blood Orgy.

MR. MOVIE PRODUCER GUY hangs up the phone. BEN AFFLECK is visibly sad and nervously bites his beautiful lips. SONIC notices this and is concerned.

SONIC (concerned)  
BEN AFFLECK, sweetie... Who was that? What's wrong?

BEN AFFLECK  
It's nothing I can talk about to you my boyfriend SONIC THE HEDGEHOG. Please let us quickly do the sex.

BEN AFFLECK desperately sticks his tongue out as he leans toward SONIC THE HEDGEHOGS face and reaches for his nipples.

SONIC is taken aback. BEN AFFLECK'S tongue grinds and wiggles against his tongue against SONIC's tightening lips in effort to wedge it into SONIC's mouth. SONIC's response is negative, at least from BEN AFFLECK'S perspective.

SONIC (pushing BEN AFFLECK away)  
MMMM! BENJAMIN GEZA AFFLECK-BOLDT. Are you lying to me? Your boyfriend? SONIC THE HEDGEHOG?

BEN AFFLECK (dejected)  
...Yes.

SONIC (sadly, also hurt)  
B-BEN AFFLECK... why would you lie to me? I am your boyfriend. SONIC THE HEDGEHOG. How could you break the circle of trust that bonds us together in love and trust?

BEN AFFLECK (looking away in shame)  
I just...

SONIC  
You just what? Tell me BEN AFFLECK. I am your boyfriend. You can tell me BEN AFFLECK. You can tell me anything.

BEN AFFLECK  
I just wanted to put things inside of your cloaca before you got mad at me instead of after.

SONIC  
Okay. Why would I get mad at you?

BEN AFFLECK  
Don't you wanna do fun cloaca stuff before you get mad? :(

SONIC  
Tell me, BEN AFFLECK. I am your boyfriend.

BEN AFFLECK (whining)  
SOOOONIIIIIIC

SONIC (putting his hands on his hips and tapping his foot impatiently)  
BEN AFFLECK.

BEN AFFLECK (sighs)  
Okay, okay. I gotta go back to Hollywood and be The Batman again. For the new The Batman movie.

SONIC  
BEN AFFLECK. You just got home from being The Batman. You can't do this, BEN AFFLECK. You can't do this to our relationship.

BEN AFFLECK  
I don't want to SONIC THE HEDGEHOG but I have to. I have to be The Batman. I'm contractually obligated. They own my body.

SONIC  
That's *my* body, BEN AFFLECK. I own it. :T

SONIC defensively cups BEN AFFLECK'S twitching bulge. His eyebrows raise inward like :T

BEN AFFLECK  
I know, SONIC THE HEDGEHOG. I am yours and you are mine my darling sweet love. That's why I gotta go be The Batman. Don't you understand? I have to protect the sanctity and purity of our love. I hold it very sacred -

BEN AFFLECK grinds SONIC's hand against his panting loins -

BEN AFFLECK  
\- here -

BEN AFFLECK grabs SONIC's wrist and guides his palm up to his heart.

BEN AFFLECK  
\- and here.

SONIC pulls his hand away and dramatically turns his head.

He crosses his arms.

SONIC  
BENJAMIN GEZA AFFLECK-BOLTD, you call that MR. MOVIE PRODUCER GUY back up on the phone and you tell him this instant that you won't be going to Hollywood to be The Batman and instead you'll be staying to have sex with me your boyfriend SONIC THE HEDGEHOG all week and then maybe you can be The Batman in the new The Batman movie if you know what's good for you and that's final. You call him and you tell him that this instant right now or you can kiss this chilidog chugger goodbye.

SONIC points informatively at his cloaca.

BEN AFFLECK appears to be hurt, because he is. His feelings have been hurt by his boyfriend, SONIC THE HEDGEHOG.

BEN AFFLECK loses posture and hangs his head.

BEN AFFLECK  
I gotta go.

BEN AFFLECK gets up and makes his way to the door.

SONIC (reaching after him, desperate)  
W-wait!

BEN AFFLECK sadly looks over his shoulder, hand on the knob.

SONIC  
Don't you need to pack or something?

BEN AFFLECK  
No... I'll just get that Mexican kid from work to pack for me.

SONIC  
BEN AFFLECK?

BEN AFFLECK  
Yeah, SONIC?

SONIC  
...I love you...

BEN AFFLECK  
Yeah... I love you, too, SONIC THE HEDGEHOG.

BEN AFFLECK exits. SONIC THE HEDGEHOG sobs. BEN AFFLECK gets in his car and puts his keys in it like sometimes he puts his penis in his boyfriend's cloaca, SONIC THE HEDGEHOG's. BEN AFFLECK sadly wonders if he even still has a boyfriend.

He drives down the road to the airport and he listens to the song CALL ME MAYBE by CARLY RAE JEPSEN, tears in his eyes as he sings along when it gets to the part about how before you came into my life I missed you so bad, missed you so bad, missed you so so bad. Before you came into my life I missed you so bad. Missed you so bad. Missed you so so bad. BEN AFFLECK adds lyrics to the song.

BEN AFFLECK  
SONIC THE HEDGEHOG. ;_;

BEN AFFLECK is cut off from singing when his cellular tellophone rings and he fumbles to turn the radio off, flips it open, takes a big sad sniff and boops it up to his ear before getting into character.

BEN AFFLECK (cool voice)  
Yo, this is my cellular tellophone. Don't bother leaving a message because you got me on the line. Hey-oooo.

JEFF FROM WORK  
H-hey BEN AFFLECK.

BEN AFFLECK  
Ha-hey! JEFF FROM WORK! What's up, buddy?

JEFF FROM WORK  
Wh-what's up?

BEN AFFLECK  
It means "what are you up to?"

JEFF FROM WORK  
O-oh. I'm just chillin' and grillin'. Uh. heh. hahah. Y-you?

BEN AFFLECK  
Oh, you know. Scramblin' and ramblin'. HA. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

JEFF FROM WORK  
I-I'm sorry to do this, buddy, but I just got a call from the boss and he told me to check up on you. Are you on your way to being The Batman for the new The Batman movie yet?

BEN AFFLECK  
Yeah, I'm on the way to the airport right now. It's such bullshit, though. Like, why can't they just make good movies?

JEFF FROM WORK  
Hey bro, I totally know bro. Look I'm supposed to give you the lowdown on the downlow. If you reckon what I mean.

BEN AFFLECK  
I'm reckonin' you beckonin' a sexanin'. Ha! Just kidding. I'm seeing someone.

BEN AFFLECK quietly turns dramatically and bites his knuckle using body language to express to you the audience that he's not sure if he's lying and it's killing him inside.

JEFF FROM WORK.  
Ha. Hahahah. You're funny, BEN AFFLECK. Now, listen to me.

BEN AFFLECK  
I'm listenin' like a christenin'.

JEFF FROM WORK  
Please stop rhyming, I'm sorry I did that.

BEN AFFLECK  
Okay. I'm sorry.

JEFF FROM WORK  
We don't know how long you'll be reshooting the new The Batman movie. This is basically a giant pissing contest between the producers and the director. They're jacking off into each other's eyes, you understand me? We don't know if we're gonna fix a couple scenes or reshoot the whole movie. What I need from you is patience, okay?

BEN AFFLECK  
Patience?! I can't reshoot the whole movie, I gotta get back to my boyfriend SONIC THE HEDGEHOG. He's very upset with me that I just got done being The Batman in the new The Batman movie

JEFF FROM WORK  
There are two people in this world who don't accept excuses, BEN AFFLECK. And that's GOD, and HOLLYWOOD.

BEN AFFLECK screams.

JEFF FROM WORK  
I know, buddy. I know. Just hang in tight and they'll run out of cum eventually, okay buddy?

BEN AFFLECK sighs.

BEN AFFLECK  
Okay.

JEFF FROM WORK  
Who's my BIG BEN?

BEN AFFLECK  
I am. :T

JEFF FROM WORK  
Good boy. Call me when you're beachside, chunguuuuus. *click*

BEN AFFLECK turns back on his radio and the song WE ARE NEVER EVER EVER GETTING BACK TO GETHER WEEEE ARE NEVER EEVER EVER GETTING ABCK TOGETHER comes on and poor BEN AFFLECK bawls his eyeballs out. BEN AFFLECK drives up to the airport and parks.

MEANWHILE AT SONIC AND BEN AFFLECK'S HOUSE.

Ding ding! That was the doorbell.

SONIC (rushing to look through peephole)  
Who-who's there?!

MUFFLED VOICE  
It's me, uh, KEVIN. I'm here for Mr. BEN AFFLECK's things.

SONIC (scared)  
KEVIN?! That name doesn't sound very Mexican. BEN AFFLECK said you'd be Mexican.

KEVIN  
Actually, uh. My name is KEVIN NGUYEN. I'm not Mexican, I'm Vietnamese.

SONIC opens the door and looks at him through the lock chain.

SONIC  
Sorry. BEN AFFLECK can't really tell the difference.

KEVIN  
It's okay. I know. I've told him like a hundred times but it doesn't seem to take. I just play along with it now, and bring him chimichangas at lunch. I dunno that he can tell the difference between chimichangas and any other food, either, because no matter what I give him he says "chimichangas again?" So I just started getting him chimichangas so he doesn't look stupid in front of people.

SONIC  
He can't tell the difference... not when a Mexican gives him food. He thinks it's all chimichangas.

KEVIN  
Yeah, uh. I'm not a Mexican? I went over that. We. We went over that.

SONIC blinks at him with one eye through the gap in the door. Not sexual.

SONIC  
Hold on.

KEVIN  
Okay.

The door closes and the chain lock click clacks and the door opens. KEVIN enters past a lonely SONIC.

SONIC  
Would you like to touch my cloaca?

KEVIN  
No, I'm okay. Thank you though.

SONIC bites his lip apprehensively. SONIC then bites his knuckle, also apprehensively.

MEANWHILE in the TSA line.

BEN AFFLECK  
I don't have to show you my boy part do I?

TSA AGENT  
Not unless you're hiding something in your boy part of course. What's this?

BEN AFFLECK  
What's what?

TSA AGENT  
Is that a pineapple stuffed down the front of your pants or are you happy to see me? Or is it a bomb? Are you a terrorist, BEN AFFLECK

BEN AFFLECK  
Please, I don't even like terror.

TSA AGENT  
I'm going to have to inspect your bulge MR. BEN AFFLECK

BEN AFFLECK  
It's not a pineapple! I'm just horny!

The TSA AGENT checks out BEN AFFLECK's bulge.

MEANWHILE on BEN AFFLECK'S plane.

TAILS  
Hi! I'm TAILS! I'm the pilot of BEN AFFLECK'S plane!

TAILS flies the plane while BEN AFFLECK broods and sips apple juice out of a wine glass and looks out the window. The plasma screen television on the plane is playing his favorite movie, CARS 2, but he's too sad to care. Lightning strikes off in the distance of the darkness and BEN AFFLECK hopes it struck someone filthy.

DEVON SAWA approaches.

DEVON SAWA  
Uh, hey, BEN AFFLECK. I'm DEVON SAWA.

BEN AFFLECK (sad)  
Hey DEVON SAWA. I'm BEN AFFLECK.

DEVON SAWA (expressing concern)  
Hey, BEN AFFLECK, man, you don't look so hot.

BEN AFFLECK (angrily)  
You take that back, you son of a bitch! I'm always hot! I'm BEN AFFLECK!

DEVON SAWA  
No, BEN AFFLECK, sorry, you always look hot. That's not what I meant. What's got you down in the dumps, buddy?

BEN AFFLECK (sighs, rolling his head around comically)  
It's my boyfriend! Or... I dunno... Maybe my ex-boyfriend? It's complicated.

DEVON SAWA  
What's the problem, BEN AFFLECK? You can tell me, your best friend DEVON SAWA.

BEN AFFLECK  
I'm sorry, DEVON SAWA. It's just that. I was tryna put things in my boyfriend, SONIC THE HEDGEHOG's cloaca when all of a sudden I got a phone call from MR. MOVIE PRODUCER GUY telling me I had to go back to work being The Batman in the new The Batman movie. I thought we already finished the new The Batman movie! I just wanted to have sex in my boyfriend's chilidog sillyhog hole and now I gotta go back to stupid work, and SONIC got all mad and I don't even know if he's my boyfriend anymore. *begins to cry* THIS IS SO STUPID AND I HATE IT AND I DON'T EVEN CARE ABOUT THE NEW THE BATMAN MOVIE ANYMORE I JUST WANT TO DO THE SEX AT MY BOYFRIEND.

DEVON SAWA caresses BEN AFFLECK'S nipples.

DEVON SAWA  
I'm sorry you're having a tough time, BEN AFFLECK. Does it feel better when I rub on your nipples?

BEN AFFLECK  
Yes, I like that.

DEVON SAWA  
Would you like me to unbutton your shirt and lick my fingers and rub your nipples some more.

MEANWHILE at SONIC THE HEDGEHOG and BEN AFFLECK'S house.

SONIC  
I am sad, KEVIN. If only I had a true friend here to rub on my nipples.

KEVIN NGUYEN struggles to pull the handle out of the rolly luggage.

KEVIN  
Yeah, good luck with that. Maybe when BEN AFFLECK gets back from the shoot, eh?

KEVIN NGUYEN rolls the luggage out of the house and out of his life. SONIC THE HEDGEHOG cries. His nipples untouched.

MEANWHILE on BEN AFFLECK'S PLANE

DEVON SAWA  
Yeah, BEN AFFLECK. You can't fit that model train in my bellybuttonhole.

BEN AFFLECK  
Oh yes I can.

DEVON SAWA  
Oh no you can't.

BEN AFFLECK  
Oh yes I can.

DEVON SAWA  
Oh no you can't.

BEN AFFLECK  
Oh yes I can.

DEVON SAWA  
Oh no you can't.

BEN AFFLECK  
Oh yes I can.

DEVON SAWA  
Oh no you can't.

BEN AFFLECK  
Oh yes I can.

DEVON SAWA  
Oh no you can't.

BEN AFFLECK  
Oh yes I can.

DEVON SAWA  
Oh no you can't.

BEN AFFLECK  
Oh yes I can.

DEVON SAWA  
Oh no you can't.

BEN AFFLECK  
Oh yes I can.

DEVON SAWA  
Oh no you can't.

BEN AFFLECK  
Oh yes I can.

DEVON SAWA  
Oh no you can't.

BEN AFFLECK  
Oh yes I can.

DEVON SAWA  
Oh no you can't.

BEN AFFLECK  
Oh yes I can.

DEVON SAWA  
Oh no you can't.

BEN AFFLECK  
Oh yes I can.

DEVON SAWA  
Oh no you can't.

BEN AFFLECK  
Oh yes I can.

DEVON SAWA  
Oh no you can't.

BEN AFFLECK  
Oh yes I can.

DEVON SAWA  
Oh no you can't.

BEN AFFLECK  
Oh yes I can.

DEVON SAWA  
Oh no you can't.

BEN AFFLECK  
Oh yes I can.

DEVON SAWA  
Oh no you can't.

BEN AFFLECK  
Oh yes I can.

DEVON SAWA  
Oh no you can't.

BEN AFFLECK  
Oh yes I can.

DEVON SAWA  
Oh no you can't.

BEN AFFLECK  
Oh yes I can.

DEVON SAWA  
Oh no you can't.

BEN AFFLECK  
Oh yes I can.

DEVON SAWA  
Oh no you can't.

BEN AFFLECK  
Oh yes I can.

DEVON SAWA  
Oh no you can't.

BEN AFFLECK  
Oh yes I can.

DEVON SAWA  
Oh no you can't.

BEN AFFLECK  
Oh yes I can.

DEVON SAWA  
Oh no you can't.

BEN AFFLECK  
Oh yes I can.

DEVON SAWA  
Oh no you can't.

BEN AFFLECK  
Oh yes I can.

DEVON SAWA  
Oh no you can't.

BEN AFFLECK  
Oh yes I can.

DEVON SAWA  
Oh no you can't.

BEN AFFLECK  
Oh yes I can.

DEVON SAWA  
Oh no you can't.

BEN AFFLECK  
Oh yes I can.

DEVON SAWA  
Oh no you can't.

BEN AFFLECK  
Oh yes I can.

DEVON SAWA  
Oh no you can't.

BEN AFFLECK  
Oh yes I can.

DEVON SAWA  
Oh no you can't.

BEN AFFLECK  
Oh yes I can.

DEVON SAWA  
Oh no you can't.

BEN AFFLECK  
Oh yes I can.

DEVON SAWA  
Oh no you can't.

BEN AFFLECK  
Oh yes I can.

DEVON SAWA  
Oh no you can't.

BEN AFFLECK  
Oh yes I can.

DEVON SAWA  
Oh no you can't.

BEN AFFLECK  
Oh yes I can.

DEVON SAWA  
Oh no you can't.

BEN AFFLECK  
Oh yes I can.

DEVON SAWA  
Oh no you can't.

BEN AFFLECK  
Oh yes I can.

DEVON SAWA  
Oh no you can't.

BEN AFFLECK  
Oh yes I can.

DEVON SAWA  
Oh no you can't.

BEN AFFLECK  
Oh yes I-

MEANWHILE at SONIC THE HEDGEHOG and BEN AFFLACK'S house.

The phonebells jingle and SONIC THE HEDGEHOG picks up the phone.

SONIC  
Hello? This is my house.

MYSTERIOUS VOICE  
Hello. This is your house.

SONIC  
Wh-what?

MYSTERIOUS VOICE  
Don't you recognize my voice?

SONIC  
No. No I do not. In any capacity.

MYSTERIOUS VOICE  
My voice has been used all over the place! You must be foolish and stupid!

SONIC  
Nay, foreth the rainforest nibble at my bowels and my god have mercy on my nuggets,

MYSTERIOUS VOICE  
You'd better listen to me, rat.

SONIC  
Hey! I'm not a rat! I'm a hedgehog!

MYSTERIOUS VOICE  
And I'm going to have sex with your boyfriend. Again. And there's nothing you can do about it.

SONIC  
There would be something I could do with it if you all was truly American. Ya'll aint doin' yer part and I'm proud to be an American.

MYSTERIOUS VOICE  
I don't know what that means. I am going to have sex with BEN AFFLECK

SONIC  
Good luck. BEN AFFLECK won't even have sex with me.

SONIC THE HEDGEHOG spits into his own thumbed open underwear, in anger and in fear,,, and sadness, and lets the band snap shut. He sniffs his thumb.

MYSTERIOUS VOICE  
But he'll have sex with me because I'm going to have sex with him. I'm calling to tell you this because you are his boyfriend, and you are ratchet.

SONIC  
Yeah well I don't even know if he IS my boyfriend right now! How do you like that!?

MYSTERIOUS VOICE  
HAHAHAHahahahahahahhAHA-

SONIC hangs up the phone and points at it as if it had personally offended him and not the voice on the other end.

SONIC  
Cock!

SONIC huffs and sniffs his thumb again.

MEANWHILE at LOS ANGELES SECURITY, BEN AFFLECK is getting his bulge checked by LA TSA AGENT.

LA TSA AGENT (rubbing his bulge through his pants)  
I'm sorry, I gotta check this. It has barbed scales on it like a pineapple.

BEN AFFLECK  
C'mon, man! I already got checked on the way in!

LA TSA AGENT  
I'm sorry, sir. HOLLYWOOD is a pineapple free zone. Do you know how many thetins die a year because of pineapples? That's why WHOLE FOODS stopped producing them. WHOLE FOODS knows best when it comes to thetin level intake.

BEN AFFLECK  
Fucking scientology belt.

LA TSA AGENT *squeezing and pointing at him*  
You watch your fucking mouth.

BEN AFFLECK looks for his mouth, but he can only see his blurry nose if he crosses his eyes.

MEANWHILE in the VOID, CORNWALLACE is dick deep in a rooster, which is dead. Dead, and hanging off hir massive herm dick. Hir giant titties—of which there are somewhere between nine and eleven of course (as a matter of fact (in fact (of course)))—are spewing warm breastmilk all over the soggy, fucked-to-death creature sheathing hir grotesquely large phallus. SWIPER. NO SWIPING is sitting off to the side on a couch, taking bong rips.

SWIPER. NO SWIPING *laughing like Seth Rogen*  
Huhuhuhuhuh.

CORNWALLACE *continuing to fuck the dead rooster*  
Yeah, yeah, I geddit. Dicking a cock. You think you're really funny, don't you?

SWIPER. NO SWIPING drops the bong to the floor and it shatters into somewhere between nine to eleven pieces. He continues to laugh like Seth Rogen.

SWIPER. NO SWIPING  
Huhuhuhuh. Huhuh, huhuhuh. Huh.

CORNWALLACE  
Also why the fuck did you describe me as a herm? That's fucking gross; that's like using the terms "trap" and "dickgirl."

SWIPER. NO SWIPING  
Is it?

CORNWALLACE  
I don't know, du. I only know what you know.

SWIPER. NO SWIPING  
Oh, yeah. Sock accounts.

CORNWALLACE  
No shit, Sherlock.

SWIPER. NO SWIPING  
But I'm Swiper.

CORNWALLACE  
:T

SWIPER. NO SWIPING  
At least I think I am?

CORNWALLACE  
Listen, I'm going to give you this chicken.

SWIPER. NO SWIPING  
Rooster.

CORNWALLACE  
Okay, it's the same thing at this point. I'm giving you this chicken, alright? I'm done here.

SWIPER. NO SWIPING  
Huhuhuh, wait. What do you mean you're done?

CORNWALLACE  
I mean I'm not fucking things to death for your amusement anymore. If you want that so badly, just fucking do it yourself.

SWIPER. NO SWIPING  
Uh, okay?

CORNWALLACE tosses the soggy chicken carcass at SWIPER. NO SWIPING; it lands on him with a splash of bodily fluids. The kitsune with the massive titties, massive peepee, and a terrorism's worth of tails then turns and begins to walk away.

SWIPER. NO SWIPING *calling after hir*  
Alright, but I'm not reading anything that happened up to this point, okay?

CORNWALLACE *flipping Swiper the bird*  
Fine. Whatever.

SWIPER. NO SWIPING stares down at the chicken in his lap. It does not stare back, actually—its open beak and broken neck have somehow wormed its way onto SWIPER. NO SWIPING's itty bitty micropenis.

Something is cumming I mean COMING SHIT I'LL EDIT THAT IN POST?

Okay, so, where were we? Right. SONIC THE HEDGEHOG's boyfriend, MATT DAMON, is getting fondled by a TSA AGENT.

TSA AGENT  
I got some God in my mouth once.

MATT DAMON looks very concerned.

MATT DAMON  
What did you do?

TSA AGENT  
Swallowed.

The TSA AGENT is still fondling MATT DAMON thoughtfully. There was something there before, something she was looking for, but it isn't there now. She frowns. Perhaps she was hunting for goodwill?!

TSA AGENT  
Was I a man before?

MATT DAMON  
I don't remember. Was I always this blond?

TSA AGENT  
I'm pretty sure.

MATT DAMON  
Huh. Anyway, who are you and why are you touching my penis through my WOOF Freeball Chino™ shorts?

The TSA AGENT cannot remember her name. She attempts to communicate this to MATT DAMON through a series of blinks, as she suddenly has also forgotten how to speak. She still kneads MATT DAMON's penis through his pants, which is growing ever harder and more prehensile. His penis, not his pants.

TSA AGENT  
Glark.

MATT DAMON  
Huh? I'm afraid you'll have to speak up, sonny, for I am old now and I have lost some of my hearing due to all the loud, crazy sex I have had with SONIC THE HEDGEHOG, my boyfriend.

TSA AGENT  
Lurb.

MATT DAMON  
Did you know that SONIC THE HEDGEHOG is voiced by Ryan Reynolds, who also voiced the first pansexual superhero?

TSA AGENT  
Forndorn?

MATT DAMON  
His name is Deadpool. Ryan Reynolds, I mean. His name is Deadpool. Not my boyfriend. My boyfriend is SONIC THE HEDGEHOG, I think.

I think the TSA AGENT realizes that she has forgotten how to speak because now she's emitting a hissing noise and crying. It's very distressing to suddenly realize you can't do something anymore, especially when you used to be able to do it. But this is her life now. Sometimes that is just part of growing as a human being; you have to realize when to cut your losses and move on.

TSA AGENT  
Hh.

MATT DAMON  
I mean, I know my boyfriend is SONIC THE HEDGEHOG but I only think he's my boyfriend because we might have broken up over the fact that I had to come here, to California, to reshoot the film about me being the superhero BATMAN, the volunteer firefighter who sells live bats to underprivileged children.

Thank you for completely and accurately recapping the story up until now, LEONARDO DICAPRIO, I mean MATT DAMON.

TSA AGENT  
Hh.

MATT DAMON starts to make a Wembley in his WOOF Freeball Chino™ shorts thanks to all the attention. Do you know why they call it a Wembley? Apparently there's a stadium in the UK, see—

MATT DAMON  
Excuse me, but—

TSA AGENT  
Hh.

MATT DAMON  
—I really need to be going to—

TSA AGENT  
Hh.

Long strands of precum are dripping from MATT DAMON's shorts. I really hope you're not eating anything while you're reading this.

MATT DAMON  
—the film place where they make the movies, and I'm worried—

TSA AGENT  
Hh.

The TSA AGENT, even though she's dealing with this distressing lack of identity and sudden inability to vocalize any of her complex thinking, is still devoted to her job. God Bless the USA™. She finally decides that she is finished getting to second base with MATT DAMON and would like to move onto third™. Her trembling fingers make their way to the zipper on his shorts. I actually don't own a pair of WOOF Freeball Chino™ shorts so I don't know if they have a zipper or not—and I'm too lazy to Google it right now—so here is the part of the story where I ask you to write your Congressman and see if she can find out for me. Please send all letters to the following address:

SEN. KAMALA HARRIS  
Number Number Number Street Name  
City, SoCal—or was it NorCal—definitely not NoCal, 90210-22020-000-BoBoBoBo.

Thanks.

Meanwhile, in MOBIUS CALIFORNIA or MOCAL or wherever SONIC and MATT DAMON were before:

SONIC  
I can feel it kicking!

We see SONIC laid up on the couch, rubbing his extremely massive belly. He has been impregnated by his boyfriend, MATT DAMON, when MATT DAMON, his boyfriend, stuck his penis into SONIC's cloaca and moved it in and out until he produced sperm. The sperm then fertilized SONIC's ovum, which resulted in a pregnancy. Boy, I sure hope SONIC hasn't accidentally been drinking any orange juice!

SONIC (drinking orange juice)  
Boy, I sure hope that my boyfriend, MARK WAHLBERG, is back home in time for the birth.

Meanwhile! In LOS ANGELES!

MATT DAMON sits in the back of an Uber on the 101. The sticky, shrunken remains of the TSA AGENT are still glued to the front of his shorts. He pulls them off in strips and tosses them out the window.

OOVOO JAVER  
That's organic material you're tossing out the window, right?

Beat as MATT DAMON finds what's left of the TSA AGENT's face, contorted in a scream. He looks at it momentarily, the eyeless sockets staring back into where his soul would be if he hadn't sold it to film The Great Wall, and then he drops it out the window. It hits the side of a passing car.

MATT DAMON  
Yeah.

OOVOO JAVER  
Okay, good, because here in SoCal we don't throw any cigarette butts or litter out the window.

Cut the outside of the car, which is half buried in shattered WHOLE FOODS™ kombucha bottles.

OOVOO JAVER  
I mean, I don't know how they do it in NoCal, but—

MATT DAMON  
Hey, hey, man. I'm not from NoCal. I live in MoCal, dude.

OOVOO JAVER  
Oh, goodness. I'm sorry; I didn't mean to lecture you.

MATT DAMON (sarcastically)  
Yeah, sure. I'm saying that sarcastically, just in case you didn't read the parenthetical stage direction that came after my name up there.

OOVOO JAVER  
No, I mean it. I'm just so used to picking up NoCal refugees from the airport, I always feel like I have to let them know how we do things in Cali, you know?

MATT DAMON  
Man, if you really cared about California, you would have tested my thetan levels as soon as I got in your car.

OOVOO JAVER  
I figured they got you at TSA.

MATT DAMON  
You can NEVER be too vigilant, do you understand?

OOVOO JAVER  
I get it!

MATT DAMON  
DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!

OOVOO JAVER  
I get it! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!

MATT DAMON pulls a little gelatinous hand off his pants and examines it. He pinches it between his forefinger and his thumb. The Uber pulls up to BIG MOVIE STUDIO. MATT DAMON steps out of the Uber, which then vanishes back into the invisible, gig-economy working class.

MATT DAMON (breathing in deeply)  
Ah, smell that fresh SoCal air!

Above him the entire Verdugo Mountains are aflame, filling the whole San Fernando Valley with smoke. MATT DAMON coughs up a little blood. Some of it is his own blood, even.

MR. MOVIE PRODUCER GUY (offscreen)  
BEN AFFLECK! You just made it in time. Hurry and get on set!

MATT DAMON enters a comical montage of running through various lots on BIG MOVIE STUDIO from films that you recognize: Video Game From the '90s Film With CGI and Live-Action Whiny Teen, Muscular Actor Kisses Actress After They Fight Three Times, Zombies That Move Very Quickly, Two Hours of Jennifer Lawrence for $22.50 In Theaters, Allegorical Horror Film About Race Written By White People, and All of the Superheroes But Some of Them Are Dead Now.

Finally he gets to the correct lot, and everyone's there waiting for him. MR. MOVIE PRODUCER GUY sits behind the only camera in a chair that says "Director." SHIA LABEOUF plays THE JOKER; WILLIAM H. MACY as COMMISSIONER GORDON; HUGH GRANT as ALFRED; CHANNING TATUM as ROBIN; DENZEL WASHINGTON as probably a five-minute, on-screen role as the Mayor of Gotham or the President of the United States or something; OSCAR ISAAC as ROOKIE COP WITH AN ETHNIC LAST NAME; and UNDERUTILIZED AND UNDERPAID ACTRESSES as CLOWN LADY WITH EXPOSED BUTTOCKS, CAT LADY WITH EXPOSED BUTTOCKS, and SHRUB WITH EXPOSED BUTTOCKS respectively.

MR. MOVIE PRODUCER GUY  
Hurry, Batman! It's your line!

MATT DAMON runs into the shot and gets right in front of the camera.

MATT DAMON  
Hello, I made a Batman.

MR. MOVIE PRODUCER GUY  
Cut and print! That's a wrap, folks!

A bunch of hundred dollar bills flutter down from the sky, covering the lot. Everyone tries to grab as much as they can.

MR. MOVIE PRODUCER GUY  
Hey, BEN AFFLECK, what are you going to do afterwards?

MATT DAMON (eyes tearing up)  
I need to go home to my boyfriend, SONIC THE HEDGEHOG, whom I love and trust. I need to go put things inside of his cloaca.

MR. MOVIE PRODUCER GUY  
You aren't hungry, are you? A couple of us were thinking about heading to Planned Parenthood for a bite to eat. Want to come with?

MATT DAMON  
I don't know, MR. MOVIE PRODUCER GUY. I already flew all the way down to SoCal from MoCal just to make a Batman, and now my boyfriend whom I love and trust, SONIC THE HEDGEHOG, is upset with me because I couldn't stick things into his cloaca and make him produce his orgasmic cloacal slime all day.

MR. MOVIE PRODUCER GUY  
Sounds rough, big guy, but I bet if you phone him up and let him know you'll be bringing a doggy bag back for him, he'll forgive you.

MATT DAMON (cheering up)  
Hey, MR. MOVIE PRODUCER GUY, that sounds like a great idea! Thanks!

MR. MOVIE PRODUCER GUY (laughing)  
Hey, that's what I get paid to do: come up with great ideas! Who else would bring you hit movies like Deadpool?

MATT DAMON pulls out his phone to call his boyfriend, SONIC THE HEDGEHOG, whom he loves and trusts. Back in MoCal, we see the landline ringing. A bloated arm reaches for it.

SONIC THE HEDGEHOG (off screen)  
Hello?

MATT DAMON  
Babe! I'm sorry about before when I left you before so I could go make the Batman movie again before. Are you hungry?

SONIC THE HEDGEHOG (still off screen)  
Hungry... hungry...

MATT DAMON  
Tell you what, I'm going out to dinner to celebrate making a Batman, and I'll bring you back a doggy bag of some of the finest fetuses L.A. has to offer. What do you say?

The camera finally reveals SONIC THE HEDGEHOG's gargantuan body. Things wriggle underneath its surface.

SONIC THE HEDGEHOG (breathing laboriously)  
I'm so... hungry... Ben...

MATT DAMON  
Alright, babe! I'll be home sooner than you can say make my cloaca sticky with love fluids. And believe you me, I'll be doing plenty of that with you when I get home. Semicolon, hyphen, closing parenthesis.

SONIC THE HEDGEHOG  
Hungry... hungry...

The line clicks dead. SONIC THE HEDGEHOG's body has grown so large that he has engulfed the entire living room. One of his legs has broken through the window. His arms no longer reach the floor. He looks down at the TV. The child within SONIC's body gurgles and roars.

SONIC THE HEDGEHOG  
Gotta... go fast...

OVER AT THE DINING SECTION OF PLANNED PARENTHOOD!

TERRY "LORETTA" GILLIAM (devouring a human fetus like corn on the cob)  
Mm, mm, mm! If this fetus ain't just the lipsmackingest thing I e'er did lay my black, lesbian, and blameless eyes on!

RACHEL DOLEZAL (rubbing her finger on TERRY "LORETTA" GILLIAM's lips)  
Save some for me, baby.

They kiss, exchanging strands of the fetus between their lips. Behind them, HILLARY CLINTON and her husband DONALD TRUMP found a viable, late-term fetus within their pile and have begun fighting over it.

DONALD TRUMP  
It's mine!

HILLARY CLINTON  
You had the last three!

DONALD TRUMP  
You give that fetus to me, woman, or I'll release all the children from the basement of Comet Ping Pong!

HILLARY CLINTON  
You wouldn't dare!

DONALD TRUMP  
You just watch me! It'll be YUGE.

HILLARY CLINTON  
God damn it—FINE.

THE LADY PRESIDENT relinquishes THE LORD PRESIDENT his viable fetus.

VIABLE FETUS  
Da-da?

DONALD TRUMP  
God, they're so much better when their eyes have opened.

HILLARY CLINTON (tearing an abortion apart and removing the bones)  
Don't rub it in.

TRUMP bites into his fetus, which screams and sobs in a high pitched voice. Above the scene, a statue of BAAL, GOD OF DEMOCRATS, looks upon the feast lovingly. MATT DAMON sits at a table with MR. MOVIE PRODUCER GUY and BEN AFFLECK. A WANNABE ACTOR comes over to their table with a platter of steaming hot fetuses straight from the womb.

A WANNABE ACTOR  
Here's your fetuses, fellas! Does anybody need a refresher on their drinks?

MR. MOVIE PRODUCER GUY  
I'll take another tall glass of amniotic fluid, thank you.

A WANNABE ACTOR  
No problem, sir!

He turns to MATT DAMON.

A WANNABE ACTOR  
Forgive me, but aren't you BEN AFFLECK?

MATT DAMON (annoyed)  
Yeah, I am.

A WANNABE ACTOR (visibly excited)  
Oh my god I can't believe it's really you! Wow! I can't believe I'm serving you!

MATT DAMON (still annoyed)  
Okay.

A WANNABE ACTOR  
I loved you in that one movie; you know, the one where you played a jewel thief?

MATT DAMON (directly quoting Being John Malkovich)  
I never played a jewel thief.

A WANNABE ACTOR  
N-no? You didn't? Who am I thinking of?

MATT DAMON (still quoting Being John Malkovich)  
I don't know.

A WANNABE ACTOR  
Well, just as it happens...

A WANNABE ACTOR pulls out his screenplay from his back pocket. MATT DAMON rolls his eyes. BEN AFFLECK and the MR. MOVIE PRODUCER GUY try to stifle their chuckling.

A WANNABE ACTOR  
It would mean so much to me if you could give this screenplay a read. I've been working on it for nine years now, and...

MATT DAMON (sighing)  
Really?

A WANNABE ACTOR  
Okay, get this. My fifteen-second pitch, okay? So it's about aliens, and—

MR. MOVIE PRODUCER GUY (clearing throat)  
Ahem. My amniotic fluid?

A WANNABE ACTOR  
Oh, uh, I'm sorry.

MR. MOVIE PRODUCER GUY  
These fetuses aren't going to wash themselves down, you know.

A WANNABE ACTOR rushes back to the kitchen, failing to stifle his sobs. The trio at the table laugh and begin to pick through their mound of steaming fetuses. MATT DAMON picks at his food halfheartedly; BEN AFFLECK notices.

BEN AFFLECK  
Hey, buddy, what's going on?

MATT DAMON (crestfallen)  
I don't know, BEN AFFLECK. I'm just worried about my boyfriend, SONIC THE HEDGEHOG.

BEN AFFLECK cracks open a fetus's arm and begins sucking out the marrow. MR. MOVIE PRODUCER GUY rolls his eyes.

MR. MOVIE PRODUCER GUY  
Boy trouble, huh?

BEN AFFLECK  
Why don't you tell us about it?

MATT DAMON  
I just love and trust him so much, you know? Sometimes it really scares me. It scares me to think that he might not love and trust me as much as I love and trust him, and it scares me to think that I love and trust him so much and he might not love and trust me, you know?

MR. MOVIE PRODUCER GUY  
I can't say I understand, no. If he's giving you so much trouble, just dump him. Problem solved.

BEN AFFLECK  
Hey, now, I get it. You love and you trust him a lot, don't you?

MATT DAMON nods, crying a little bit because he just loves and trusts his boyfriend SONIC THE HEDGEHOG so much. BEN AFFLECK reaches across the table and puts his hand on his friend MATT DAMON's shoulder.

BEN AFFLECK  
You know, SONIC THE HEDGEHOG was once my boyfriend, too. And we loved and trusted each other a lot, and that was enough. So if there's anything you can learn from that, it's that sometimes you just have to love and trust each other, and trust and love each other, and love and trust and trust each other, and that's enough.

MATT DAMON  
Thanks, BEN AFFLECK! You're right! I'm going to go home and stick things in his cloaca right now!

BEN AFFLECK  
Hey, stick one in him just for me, would you? Semicolon, hyphen, closing parenthesis?

MATT DAMON (giggling)  
Oh, BEN.

MR. MOVIE PRODUCER GUY  
Check, please! Oh, and grab us a couple of boxes for these fetuses—we're going to be taking them to go.

A WANNABE ACTOR comes back to the table, visibly crying and shaking. He delivers the check and several boxes. MATT DAMON takes six fetuses for his loved and trusted boyfriend, SONIC THE HEDGEHOG, and lovingly stacks them in a box. He hums to himself as the trio makes their way outside, but he stops abruptly as a look of horror dawns on his face.

SONIC THE HEDGEHOG has now grown so large from his pregnancy that he has engulfed the entirety of MoCal and a good portion of SoCal. He looks forlornly in MATT DAMON's direction. When he speaks, his voice reverberates off the entire San Fernando Valley.

SONIC THE HEDGEHOG  
How could you do this to me, MATT DAMON? I loved you. I trusted you.

MATT DAMON  
SONIC!

SONIC THE HEDGEHOG  
The baby is coming, MATT DAMON. The baby is coming NOW.

And with that, SONIC's body bursts like a balloon into a fine, meaty mist.

MATT DAMON  
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

In the hedgehog's place, a gargantuan pale monster with a bald head and a giant mustache stretches towards the moon, dripping thick streams of albumen off its thousand-foot-tall body.

THE EGGMAN  
HELLO—I—HAVE—FREE—FROM—EGG. IT—IS—A—LARGE—YES.

BEN AFFLECK (offscreen)  
Holy shit.

THE EGGMAN's hand balls into a fist. Suddenly it comes down, cutting through the night air and slamming into a skyscraper—effortlessly punching a hole through glass and steel. Part of the building falls to the streets below, entirely wiping out a city block. THE EGGMAN retracts its limb and looks thoughtfully at the damage it has caused.

THE EGGMAN  
LOVE—EGG. LOVE—EGG. PLEASE—SAY—HOORAY—FOR—A—NICE—EGG—TIME.

Fires begin in the decimated building, billowing smoke. Air-raid sirens begin to sound. Police sirens join in the chaos. MATT DAMON stands in the street, watching his child. Panicked citizens run around him.

MATT DAMON  
Balls... off.

A thudding sounds as THE EGGMAN takes his first step towards his father. Another one follows. The streets shake and warp as though an earthquake is occurring, all thanks to the movement of the impossibly tall creature.

THE EGGMAN  
APPEAL—TO—THE—GLORY—OF—EGG. EVERYBODY—LOVE—EGG.

We close in on MATT DAMON's awestruck face. Tears stream from his eyes.

MATT DAMON (reverently whispering)  
Balls... way off.

 **Black.**


	18. SonixXTailsSexyFunTimeXoXO

Warm torrents of ecstasy secreted onto the creases of the bed like a flash flood as their bodies compressed into the bed.  
Raspy moans ebbed to silence while they snuggled together.

Tails shut his heavy eyes as an outstretched smile dimpled his burning cheeks.  
The thought of him kissing him, holding him, and snuggling him flooded his ecstatic mind.  
All the longing, adoration shushed the pain of the world as ecstasy wrapped around his body before the enticing slumber beckoned him.  
With one heavy sigh.  
He drifted off.

* * *

Shadow and Tails Sexy Time XOXO.

* * *

A flicker of the red bulb from the crinkled cigarette lit up in the dim, sultry room as Shadow inhaled the succulent, soothing smoke.  
It caressed his lungs, holding it in, he puffed out rings.

"You done?"

His half-lidded eyes trailed towards the hulking, thick door at the end of the aparment. The thrums of the shower nagged his ears.  
He ran his sweaty finger along the end of the shaft of his long, hard cigarette.  
Leaning back against the dense, compact headboard, Shadow's quills splayed out as the back of his head pressed against the smooth, firm contours of the wood.

Shadow traced the back of his fingers against his twitching, thick bean like nose and flicked it. He fidget in the bed as he tapped his foot in the air, resting it against his arched leg.

The shower's saccharine hums and Tails' croons enticed his erect ears as one flicked.

 _He sounds kind of like—No, he doesn't._

Shadow shook his head before the shower's serenade silenced when the knobs creaked. He faced the dusty window to his left, staring out into the cloudy night sky.

Muffled steps pattered against the tile behind the door.  
The toilet seat squeaked and Tails grunted.  
Water plopped as nuggets fell.  
One by one.

"Better not get shit dick." Shadow shut his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose.

The slosh of water flushed, more light patters of feet, and a slither of the door creaked open as Tails peeked half his damp head out.

A glint of his wilting blue as Maria's dress eye sheened from the outside light.  
Tails cupped his palm over his lips as he turned away.

"Well?"

Silence.

Tails nudged the door open, his sleek, frail body stumbled from the darkness and into the window's filtered, rays of light.  
His tails tucked between his wavering legs.  
His long, exposed finger grooved the side of his head fur.  
He moved his mouth but said nothing.  
He blinked, gulping.

 _What's his problem?_

"Hurry up." Shadow crossed his arms, bitter, biting disgust surged through his body while he exhaled disappointment.

Detestable lust flared up in Tails' dilated eyes; he covered his rosy cheeks with his palm before he glanced away as a masked, breathy chuckled escaped his lips. His feet rapped against the carpet while he slunk up to the bed like a hesitant animal.

Shadow pressed the cigarette against his clasped lips and inhaled the smoke, seizing the delight in his lungs, he exhaled a strand of smoke and left his mouth to hang. He spoke under his breathe, "Ready?"  
He halfway faced him, his brow knitted.

 _Just shut it out, it'll be fast._

Tails chuckled as he collapsed his body and splayed himself out on the bed, making an indention on his side, he shut his eyes and smiled: a sliver of his fangs peeked from his quirked lips.

 _Think of something else..._

Shadow clenched his teeth and fist, popping his knuckles.  
He wiped the welling dollops of sweat from his forehead.  
He swallowed his regret, it seared his throat like bitter whisky.

"C-could you..." Tails' voice cracked, "Umm."

"What?" Shadow raised a brow.

"Smile?"

An intrusive thought bloomed in in Shadow's mind: He glanced at the radiating end of his cigarette before his eyes trailed toward's Tails' shut ones.  
A tantalizing thought tempted him to thrash him with it.  
He exhaled a strand of the stoked, screaming ire.  
He held it between his tense fingers.  
Snuffing it against the wall.  
He faux a faint smile.

Tails rung his hands by his chest. He extended his wavering palm towards Shadow's before he clutched his. "Just..." He paused. "Shut your eyes...if..." His brows rose for a moment. "Y'know."

" _Yeah_." Shadow turned to the window, his fingers twitched when Tail's rough paw pads and soft fur nuzzled against his gloves.

"There's Rou-"

"No."

Tails' fingers enlaced with Shadow's as he clutched Shadow's open palm.

"What." Shadow sighed. "Do I have to do?"

"Kiss..." Tails scrunched up a his head dipped between his shoulders. He snickered. "Snuggle...ahm, that's it..."

 _That's easy._

"How long?"

"You'll know."

"Not how it works." Shadow slipped his fingers out of Tails' sweaty grasp.

"You said!" Tail's slanted ears shot up as his eyes narrowed and fur bristled.  
The side of his lip crooked down while his brows and snout furrowed.  
Clenching his teeth, a low growl escaped him.

 _Fuck._

Shadow titled his head to the side, rubbed his fingers against the middle of his brow, and sighed. He threw his hand in the air, slapping it down by his waist, he shrugged.

"Please?" Tails' disdained glare ebbed as his eyes and ears drooped.

 _Don't have a choice._

Shadow's pursed lips compressed as he shut his eyes and raised his brows for a second: he turned to Tails. " _Fine_."

"Thank you." Tails rested on his side, he cradled his cheek in his palm while he tapped his fingers against the bed, crawling it along it like a spider.  
He tilted his head down. "And..." He paused, blinking.

Silence.

Shadow's fidgeting foot ceased; he held his breath.

Tails flicked his tongue against lips as he opened his mouth, hanging it their before shutting it.

No reply.

His glistening eyes sheened from the light and welled moisture.  
HIs breath short and shallow while he faced away and stared down at the bed, sniffling.  
Torrent of tears trailed down his flushed cheeks like cascading waterfalls.  
His chin quivered, whimpering while covering his mouth.

 _Fucking pussy._

Tails collapsed the back of his head against the pillow as rolled over and wiped away his tears with his wavering hands. He took a drawn-out inhale before he sighed.  
"I..." His mouth moved encircles but no words came.

 _Hell, now what?_

"What?"

No reply.

"What is it?"

"...I...yeah, I'm," His voice slurred before he paused and stared at the ceiling, mumbling, "Shhurry."

Blistering bile churned in Shadow's contorted gut, creeping up his throat.  
"Hmph." Shadow crossed his arms, shaking his head.

"R-rweady?"

Shadow sunk his teeth into his lip, curling it in, he shut his eyes and sighed.  
He raised his brows for a moment. Sweat trailed down his tense cheeks while he rolled his dry tongue in his mouth: he gagged from the boiling bile that burned his throat.

 _Fuck it._

A frigid, ambivalent bolt coursed through his body as he shuddered.  
His words clung to his throat, snaring within it.  
He huffed.  
"Yeah."

Tails set his hand on his shoulder, rubbing it, he stared into Shadow's eyes before Tails' wavering ones scurried away. "Again shworry...'bout it."

 _No you're not, fucker._

"Are you drunk?"

"A _liffle_."

"Is there some?"

"Nyuuupe." Tails laughed as he rested his back against the bed and splayed his arms and legs out.

Shadow sighed. _Just get it over with._

He placed his palms over his eyes , leaned up, and rubbed the rheum from them.

"Donwurry, you can be rough."

 _Didn't want to know that._

Shadow peeked from the cracks of his fingers. He fixated on Tails' cloudy, dilated eyes, they stared at the roof while lost in thought, Shadow inhaled, taking in the stagnant, searing air, it seeped into the crevice of his parted lips; he rolled on top of Tails', looming over him, he avoided eye contact as his sultry scent stabbed Shadow's flaring nostrils: vomit invaded his dry mouth before he swallowed down his bitter, burning regret.

They sunk into the bed like quick sand, avoiding each others eyes. Neither said a word.

 _Just shut your eyes and block it out._  
 _Just think of something else and block it out._  
 _...Just get it done as fast as I can and block it out..._  
 _Block it out._

Tail's musk violated his nose, surging through his tensed body like venom.

 _Block it out._

The soft, sweaty fur brushed against his quills, encroaching within his racked, ravaged mind.

 _Block it out._

Shadow gripped his wavering hands on Tail's fragile shoulders as he set his waist by Tails'. He retched, bile churned in his wrenched stomach while he shuddered and shook his head.

Tails' quivering, half-lidded eyes met with Shadow's before they darted away until he peeked back at him. His tails curled by his legs and lapped around Shadow's.

Exhaling a drawn-out breath, Shadow edged his lips by Tails' quivering, disgusting ones.  
Tail's pants assaulted his cheeks and breached his aching lungs.  
Shadow shut his eyes, furrowed his brows, and embraced him.  
His mind shrieked as Tail's ran his fingers through his quills.  
He reeled his head back, breathy gasped, he shuddered.  
A distracting twinge roved through his temples.  
Shadow kissed him.  
Rotting his heart.

Faint whimpers and moans violated Shadow's ears  
Tails' sultry tongue brushed against his lips, pleading to meet his.

 _Deals, a deal..._

Shadow's body numbed while Tails' sultry tongue assaulted his.  
He rubbed his lower half against Tails'.

Their lips smacked when they separated.

"S-Sonic, ah."

A frigid bolt shot through Shadow's body.

 _Fuck this._

Shadow recoiled back onto his knees, staring down at Tails, his narrowed eyes rounded as he fixated on him.

 _What the fuck!_

His gaping jaw hung. His heart froze. He covered his mouth and dry heaved.  
"What the fuck is wrong with you?"

"W-what?"

"Your..." Shadow's fingers twitched.

"What?"

Silence.

"What!"

"Your _Shoulders_."

Tails' sagging eyes glanced at his dislodged, swelling shoulders.  
"So?"

Shadow blinked.

No reply.

Silence throttled the moment.

"Don't sthap."

"I'm call-"

"No."

"Fuck this." Shadow lifted himself with his knees, but Tails cried out, ensnaring him.

"Just keegoin." Tails panted.

Shadow blinked, shaking his head, he cupped his palm on his sweaty forehead as his turmoil, fogged mind careened for an answer that never came: his chest tighten when visceral, vile dread crawled through his frisson veins, and he moved his mouth, but said nothing while rapid, searing air seeped out.

"Pleashe."

 _Fuck, fuck, fuck!_

Tears trickled down Tails' cheeks. "I wanrr to die."

Shadow shut his eyes, his chin quivered.

"Pleashe, you're the onl-"

"And the deal?"

"Did my parff." A trail of blood seeped from Tail's quivering lip.

Silence.

 _That's not right._

Shadow's brows came together as his eyes slanted. "How."

"Eashy, shurrr you down and ffhen fixed the hallife."

Shadow scratched the side of his head. A faint smile creased his lips before it ebbed. "So I won't..."

"Nyuuupe."

Rubbing his palm encircles against his forehead, Shadow tilted his head back and stared at the ceiling. I can just run. Leave him and be free.

"Now, do your parfft."

Shadow glanced over his shoulder at the door before he faced Tails.  
 _Go! You're done, you don't owe him! Besides what he's doing is fucked up!_  
His throbbing heart skipped a beat as his tense body anchored in place.  
 _Come on, run! You can leave._  
His twisted stomach knotted when the tormenting, shrilling thoughts snuffed.  
He gulped his guilt, swear under his breath, and loomed over Tails.  
Shutting his eyes, his mind hushed.

"Are...you sure?"

Tails slowly nodded.

"What about..." Shadow paused, he withdrew his words as his brows knitted. He shook his head. "Them?"

"Thethdon't care, no one does."

"You sure?"

Tails nodded again.

A bitter, biting, frigid twinge clutched Shadow's heart.  
He flicked his tongue against his dry mouth.  
His sweaty, leaden arms wavered.  
"What if things go-"

"Donth." Tails' eyes drooped.

"It doesn't have to end."

"Sthop. I'm done."

Sweat trickled down Shadow's face, mottling Tail's fur.

"But..."

"I'm shorry..."

Silence.

"I gafthe you life, give..." Tails shut his eyes, his breaths shallow while his chest rose and fell. "Githe me deaph."

No reply.

Shadow inhaled, held it, he exhaled his guilt.

Their bodies compressed. Bones snaps. Crimson poured from the shameful fox's mouth.

Tails' muffled, guttural voice cried out.

"Thank you."

* * *

B1gblackdickledocker - 2018


End file.
